Self-Assessment

Recently, we were filling in our forms for the end of year performance reviews. We have tried all kinds in the past, but have settled on something simplistic in recent years. It’s basically structured around open questions of “what went well?”, “what didn’t go well?”, “What have you learned?”, “What would you like to learn?”.

Since we had already just evaluated ourself, it was a surprise to get an email directly from the CTO wanting us to evaluate ourselves.

Hope you are well.

We are currently conducting an assessment exercise across our Portfolio to establish our strengths and areas for improvement, with the goal of growing our capability as a department and to drive to our long term vision of moving to development on our new product.

To facilitate this process, we have developed an assessment questionnaire that will help us understand your capabilities and your career trajectory.

Could you please complete this form by selecting the option that best reflects your current capability or skill.

It’s an unexpected email, states urgency, and contains a suspicious link. All the hallmarks of a phishing email. I waited for a colleague to click the link before clicking mine. Given that it asks similar questions to what is on our performance review, as well as many others that are specific for our job role; why wouldn’t they just standardise the review process in order to get the information?

Clicking the link loads up a Microsoft form with Employee ID and Name filled in with editable fields but the question says “Please do not change this”. My name had double spaces in it which was really annoying. What would happen if I did correct it? Does Microsoft Forms not allow you to have non-editable fields? Seems a weird limitation regardless.

The questions were labelled with the following categories:

Delivery, Code Quality, Problem Solving, Accountability, Technical Proficiency, Domain Proficiency, Cloud Knowledge, New Gen Tech Stack Proficiency, Joined Up, Process and Communication, Innovation.

I really didn’t like the way the questions were written. There are 5 answers labelled A-E, but C is often written to sound like a brilliant option when you would expect that to be average. B and A just sound like behaviour reserved for the Architects/Engineering Managers/Principal Developers.

Given that the answers just seem to link directly to your job role, then it reminded me of those online quizzes where it is gonna decide what TV Character/Superhero you are, but you can easily bias your answers because you can see exactly where it is going. In this case, this assessment just seems like it is gonna rank you Architect, Expert, Senior, Junior based on your answers.

Some of the wording for the lowest answers seem like a strange thing to admit.

“Only engages in innovation efforts when directly instructed, showing a complete lack of accountability. “

Why would you admit to showing a complete lack of accountability? Most people probably don’t “innovate” but selecting an answer with “showing a complete lack of accountability” seems crazy.

So given that some answers are never gonna be selected because it’s a difficult thing to admit, and given some answers were clearly based on your job description; then people would just select answers based on what they SHOULD be doing, rather than what they ACTUALLY do. So therefore, it’s a pretty pointless survey. Also there is bias that it was given during the review period so people would suspect it would be used to decide pay-rises and promotions rather than just for some team reshuffle.

This one on Code Quality is weird because B and C seem similar in standard, but then when you read D, it sounds like you admit you are an incompetent Software Developer.

Code Quality 
(cq.a) Established as code guru and plays a key role in shaping optimal code quality in the team through effective reviews, acting on insights from tools, identifying and resolving inefficiencies in the software and process. 
(cq.b) Effectively uses insights from tools like Sonarcloud and influences team quality positively by enforcing standards and showing an upward trend of improved quality and reduced rework. 
(cq.c) Upholds the highest standards of unit testing, coding practices, and software quality in self-delivery and ensuring the same from the team through effective code reviews. 
(cq.d) Rarely identifies refactoring opportunities, misses critical issues in code reviews, and struggles to positively influence the team's approach to code quality. 
(cq.e) Engages minimally in code reviews, allowing issues to slip through; unit tests are skipped and/or yet to begin influencing the code quality of the team.

This one seems applicable to only the top people, or ones that love the limelight and want attention from the managers.

Joined-up
(ju.a) Designs personalised learning paths for team members to ensure comprehensive skill development. 
(ju.b) Takes ownership of training needs, seeking opportunities for personal growth. Takes the initiative to identify advanced training opportunities for skill enhancement. 
(ju.c) Demonstrate robust team communication, encourage team to contribute in weekly Lunch and Learn sessions, actively recognising peers, support juniors wherever needed. Be active in recruitment. 
(ju.d) While excelling as an individual contributor, there is an opportunity to engage more with team members by sharing ideas, seeking input, recognition and offering support in team/organisation initiatives 
(ju.e) Need to start taking on a mentoring role by sharing knowledge, providing guidance, and offering constructive feedback to the juniors help them grow and succeed.

I think it is difficult to make meaningful surveys or assessments, but you need to put some thought into the value, and the accuracy of the results.

Employer of Choice: Lack of Progress

Employer of Choice Programme

A few years ago, my employer came up with this idea of “Employer of Choice” which sounds like they wanted to be classed as a “Best Employer to Work For”, but it’s more of a self-award. At its core, it’s about listening to employee feedback and implementing it, but I never think there’s that much scope really. Surely no matter what the pay is like, people are always gonna want more. Same with benefits, amount of annual leave etc.

”This is a business critical programme with a number of Senior Leadership-sponsored work-streams that are focused on making us an employer of choice; where we attract, recruit and retain the people we need, enabling everyone to be their best self and deliver high performance.”

During all the development updates, they were hyping up the changes they made no matter how trivial. There were some beneficial ones which some people really benefited from, such as improving maternity and paternity leave conditions.

“50 colleagues are working behind the scenes in the employer of choice programme”

Comments are useful

I did critique how the survey was a simple scale of 1-5 but comments were optional. Surely the comments are where the key data lies, so they should be mandatory. Despite the managers claiming that they learned this from the first survey, the next survey was completely unchanged. They also said it was difficult to collate the feedback, since they had hundreds of free text entries and had to try to categorise it. Or that was their excuse not to act on it. Yet they still claimed they did implement a lot, and just looking at the feedback was “insightful and empowering”.

“Cynicism around such surveys and their purpose is understandable when there is little to show for the amount of feedback submitted but, as I say below, you can see how powerful the data can be through the series of enhancements driven through the Employer of Choice programme. I also know that it has helped initiate change locally with managers finding the personalised dashboards particularly insightful and empowering.

The more responses and open comments we get, the richer the data set will be. This will ensure that the Employer of Choice programme can continue to focus on the right things and make informed decisions based on your experiences, suggestions and insight, and managers have the data to share with their teams and agree on local actions together.”

Starlight Session

There was a meeting with the pretentious title of “Starlight Session”. This sounded like it was specific to the Development department. Even though they hyped it up, they didn’t disclose what was actually discussed or implemented.

“Yesterday I had the privilege of hosting the second in our wider leadership team strategy session. This session brings together the Senior Leadership team in the Development department, and their direct reports to tackle challenges that we face in the department.

Whenever I work with this team I’m reminded of the depth of expertise and commitment we have in our business. I feel upbeat and positive about the things we’re doing and have achieved together.”

Wizard of Oz style

One of the managers leading the Employer of Choice changes was talking about making the Benefits Portal more helpful: “we trialled the use of chat bots….however that process was very manually intensive”

How can the process be manually intensive? was it the classic “Wizard of Oz style” where it was actually a person pretending to be a computer!?

Employee Reps update

We were supposed to give suggestions to our Employer representatives who then met with the managers to discuss the feasibility of our requests. We haven’t heard from them in months despite them promising to provide monthly updates.

So over the last 3 months, here are their achievements:

(On the subject of Optician Vouchers, they gave this incoherent rambling)

“We contacted the voucher provider who confirmed they will accept vouchers that are from opticians not listed on their portal if they accept them. We also changed the wording on the portal to advise staff should contact their opticians to see if they will accept the voucher.”

is the process that the voucher provider gives you a voucher. You give it to the optician. They then claim the money from the voucher provider. So we needed to know if the voucher provider would accept the vouchers from unspecified sources. But then surely the optician needs to contact the voucher provider if there isn’t a pre-existing agreement between them, otherwise the optician will just reject it. so I think what that post is saying, is that you should just ask the optician if you can use it, which is pretty standard really.

“Increased visibility of employee reps” – they attended a company event…which was mandatory. And they didn’t present anything, they just attended. We are being completely fobbed off here.

One employee rep won a raffle at the company event.

We are really clutching at straws here. Literally nothing has happened over this time.

Old Employee Forum

I found some notes on when we had a suggestion box, and occasionally got updates on these. Someone suggested we have newspapers in the canteen “preferably a range of broadsheets”. This got declined

due to the high turnover of staff (not staying in the canteen for extended periods of time)
additional weekly cost
WIFI available to use smart phones

Surely the amount of staff that go in means the newspaper is a good idea. Why would they reject it based on cost. You’d only really need about 5 newspapers which is a trivial amount of money considering how wasteful they are in other areas. It just shows you that there isn’t much intent to listen to staff.

Team of the Year

When it came to our annual awards ceremony, the Employer of Choice team won one of the awards. That seems a little biassed to me. The directors created this team, and it’s the directors that are dishing out the awards. There could have been a chance that they deemed it a failure, but it seemed predictable that they would win: who made the biggest impact? Well, maybe the team we designed to create the biggest impact.

Apart from the fact they didn’t really make an impact, like I discussed.

Goodbye Slack

For the last several years, we have used Slack as our primary way of communicating in the Development department. However, company-wide we have Microsoft Office 365 licences, so other departments use Teams. I always thought it was a dumb decision to use Slack due to essentially paying twice for a communication tool. Slack isn’t that expensive on the lower tiers but it adds up when you have a large amount of staff. Plus, due to stricter security policies, we wanted to use single-sign on so had to upgrade to the Business+ licence which didn’t seem to be worth the cost.

As time goes on, we keep “improving security” which I often think is just an excuse to get rid of certain software. How do you really determine which software or companies are secure anyway? They could tell you they use certain security practices or have some accreditation but if your data is exposed in a data breach is another story.

“not sure what you can hack via Slack. Just over reacting like everything these days. 2FA all the things!”
me

On Slack’s Enterprise licence, they boast even more security features and with our new strict security policies, the management decided that we would have to pay significantly more to keep using Slack, or just get rid of it. So they decided to get rid of it.

To be fair, Teams has improved a bit over the years, and although I prefer the way Slack looks, and its excellent emoji support (you can add custom emojis!); I can’t justify the cost.

why is slack not secure as opposed to teams? probably just nonsense. Where does the data go when it is lost? surely doesn’t leak out onto the dark web!
Rob

We somehow had over 900 members according to Slack Analytics but I reckon that was every historic user since we started using it. Scrolling down the list and roughly estimating, we seemed to have around 300 which could reasonably be called “active”. Then looking at the Business+ costing, it should cost $45,000 per year. Enterprise is one of those tiers where it says “contact sales for a quote”. One manager reckoned it would cost $250k a year to use which doesn’t sound right. How can you justify such an expense for a chat application? Even if it did cost that much on paper, surely you can haggle that down significantly. I’m sure Slack won’t want to lose us. Surely charging $60k is good profit for them.

I often think the way companies charge for software licences doesn’t make sense. They often just charge “per user per month” but there will be times where people don’t actively use the licence due to the work they are doing, or maybe have annual leave to take. Then there’s people that join temporarily, then people just naturally join/leave the business over time. So who really tracks what the accurate amount you need to pay. Companies just end up overpaying for licences they don’t need. Slack seem to suggest they charge just for active users. But what happens if you just send a few messages for 1 day in the month; is that an active user for the month? I often think the best approach would be to charge for a certain amount of users, but then give out an extra 25% keys for light usage.

One thing that I found interesting when looking at Slack Analytics is that most people seemed to be sending as little as 20 messages per day. I think that they are either super focussed and just work independently, or they are chilling out. It’s hard to believe that you can work well in a team, or even have a good relationship with them if you only send 20 messages. I find that some people use instant messaging by sending a sentence per message, which will inflate the message count which makes the numbers even more surprising. For example, they could send 4 messages for this interaction:

Hi

Are you free?

I was wondering if you can help me work out this error

I have just got the latest code but am unable to log in

The decision to remove Slack was disappointing for some, but the bizarre thing is that we got told by our manager on the Wednesday, it was formally announced on Thursday, and gone by Friday 4pm. If you were on annual leave that week, you would be confused when you could no longer access Slack on the following Monday. There was some great information that we had on there, and was great to search for common errors and find solutions to them. We didn’t have enough warning to try and extract the information.

“Has the cost of the loss of productivity and collaboration been factored into the decision to remove slack?”
Sad developer

One developer had a crazy idea of developing our own solution:

“We are a software development company. If we’re that desperate, can’t we write our own messaging system, protected to the security standard we want?”
Ambitious developer

The thing is, we already made a chat application for our users. I never understood why users would want a native chat app when they could use something more widespread. Since we already have a chat app, then it could actually make sense to add more features to it; then use it internally.

Making your own tools isn’t as cheap as you would think. If a developer’s wage is £35k, then paying only 1 developer to develop and maintain it each year is £35k. You may as well just pay for Slack then. But if we are using it and selling it to our users, then it does make more sense.

The weird thing is, for our upcoming software, we originally used Okta for the login functionality but it was decided it was too expensive, so a few developers got together and made their own solution. That seems bonkers to me because that is about security, so surely you should leave it up to the company that specialises In security. So the fact that we do make custom authentication makes the idea of making a chat app even more realistic.

However one of the architects working on this upcoming software ironically replied:

“We need to move away from homegrown solutions, especially based on the presentation happening now from our Head of Security”
Hypocritical software architect

Another architect supported this claim:

“This is about minimising home grown solutions when an off-the-shelf solution would do just as well”
Software Architect

Does that mean he should be bringing Okta back?

Learning at Work Week

Each year we have a “Learning At Work Week” where there’s usually a few optional meetings where people either do presentations about their department, or some “soft skills” like management advice, or some philosophy like Growth Mindset. Then you are encouraged to use resources like LinkedIn Learning.

I never get involved and just carry on doing my work as usual. This year, I received an email:

Good morning, We are in the process of putting together a social media campaign around Learning at Work Week, and we’ve seen that you’re a regular user of LinkedIn Learning. We wondered if you’d be happy to share your experience and answer the following questions for us to use as a quote in marketing (e.g on the website and on our socials)?

What is your name and job title?

How often do you use LinkedIn Learning and what do you use it for?

Why is it important to you that you get the opportunity to continue learning and development at work?

Feel free to add any further details you want to include!

If you are happy to be involved, please can you send me your written answers to the above questions by the end of the week, along with a photograph.

I watched some of the playlists they put together that were on the topic of our company values. I watched the playlists that were compiled by the Development department about Cloud Technologies. Then I watched some about woke issues they also told us to watch, like on Unconscious Bias. Our company is massive and I know there are plenty of people that will want any excuse to chill and not do work, so I was extremely surprised that I was one of the top users. I would say I have rarely used it, and often forget we are even signed up to it. If I am one of the top users, then that means we must waste loads of money on it and should probably just get rid of it.

So my answers would be:

Senior Software Development Engineer
Never really use it. Just watched a few courses on wokeness for the bants. Then a few on Cloud Technologies and Entity Framework.
LinkedIn Learning is not important, and mainly for chillers.

I asked Bing Copilot to write me a humorous response. This is what it came up with:

Good morning,

Thank you for considering me for your Learning at Work Week campaign. I’m flattered to be mistaken for a LinkedIn Learning aficionado! While I may not be the power user you envisioned, I’m all for learning and development. To be candid, my engagement with LinkedIn Learning has been more of a casual flirtation than a committed relationship. I dip in occasionally, like a cat circling a fishbowl, pondering whether to take the plunge.

As for my job title, let’s go with ‘Aspiring Knowledge Sponge’ – it has a certain ring to it, don’t you think? The truth is, if I’m one of your top users, it might be time to audit those subscription numbers. It seems there’s more ‘linked out’ than ‘LinkedIn’ in our company’s learning stats!

Nevertheless, I believe in the power of continuous learning. It keeps the brain nimble and the skills sharp, like a Swiss Army knife in a world of plastic sporks. And who knows, maybe this email will spark a renewed zeal for e-learning in me. I’ll aim to send you a more detailed response, along with a headshot that hopefully doesn’t break your camera, by the deadline.

Warm regards,

[Your Name]

Aspiring Knowledge Sponge

Going Green & Earth Day

Recently, my employer has been looking to analyse their impact on the environment and the aim is to become carbon-neutral. A group of people have taken ownership of this idea and call themselves “Green Champions”.

During the launch of our Sustainability Strategy, we announced our environmental goal: “Environmental sustainability is an integral part of our operations and value chain delivered through steady, measurable improvement”.

I find a few of their announcements a bit misleading, or fairly random with what they take issue with.

For example, someone requested a “sharable greeting card” idea. These would either be physical cards people can send, or something similar to email templates we can send to each other for events such as Christmas. This idea was declined.

“Due to the environmental impacts from sending mass communications through mail or email, this will not go ahead“

We keep hearing about how we need to cut down the number of emails we send because of how bad they are for the environment – but I don’t understand the logic.

Me:
Why are emails always said to be bad anyway? does sending a Slack message cause the ozone layer to deplete as well?
Can you architect me a Green Email system? think this is gonna be the next big idea
GreE-nm@il
The latest big tech company
 
Architect:
what a load of absolute bollocks!
just justifying not spending money
if emails are so expensive how much electricity is wasted by the "cameras-on policy"

So emails are bad. Instant messaging is fine. Video calls are encouraged.

Travel

Is that really what we should be focussing on anyway? Recently, the entire UK business travelled to one location for some presentations which we could have easily done remotely. Then a few months later, most of the directors and some senior leaders flew to India to do the same presentations. The amount of emissions caused by all the cars/coaches/planes etc, and all the money wasted on hotels and food expenses is surely a bigger problem than sending a few emails for special occasions.

Cars

We have also replaced all our company cars with electric ones. Discounts were available for people to personally purchase an electric car. We now have charging stations at the office, and it seemed a few people were quite eager to travel to work at the office just so they could charge their car for free. Isn’t that encouraging more unnecessary travel, and increasing the company electric bill?

Whose problem?

“our estate is now fully in the AWS cloud, a huge milestone on our road to net zero”
Green Champion

Isn’t that like dumping your rubbish in your neighbours garden?

This brings us to another point. If you have transferred a carbon footprint from one company/person to another, then the problem still exists. We claimed that moving our servers from on-premise to the cloud has reduced our carbon footprint. The servers are still there though, they just belong to a different company. There could be savings elsewhere though because our servers were on 24/7 but a big selling point of the cloud is that you can use auto-scaling (high demand uses more servers, low demand then uses fewer). Surely you can use this feature on your own servers though; it was just that we didn’t.

Are Electric Cars even environmentally friendly?

Let’s call upon AI to write part of the blog…

Electric vehicles (EVs) have been hailed as a cornerstone of the transition to a more sustainable future, promising a reduction in the carbon footprint associated with personal transportation. However, the environmental impact of EVs is a complex subject, with various factors that could potentially diminish their green credentials.

One of the primary concerns is the carbon emissions associated with the production of EVs, particularly the batteries. The manufacturing process for EV batteries is energy-intensive, often relying on electricity generated from fossil fuels. Studies suggest that the emissions from producing an electric car can be up to 70% higher than those from manufacturing a traditional petrol vehicle.

Another point of contention is the source of electricity used to charge EVs. In regions where renewable energy sources like wind or solar power are less prevalent, the advantages of EVs in reducing greenhouse gas emissions may not be as pronounced.

Furthermore, there is the issue of battery disposal and recycling. EV batteries contain hazardous materials, and improper disposal can lead to environmental contamination. While recycling programs are developing, the infrastructure is not yet widespread, and the process itself can be resource-intensive.

Earth Day Blog #1

A colleague posted an internal blog on what they did for Earth Day.

Here in my local town, they had an event at the Town Hall where lots of local groups gathered to raise awareness and share what they do in particular.

The Thirsk Wombles work tirelessly to clear rubbish from our town. I had no idea what a problem the disposable vape containers are. The Thirsk Wombles have collected a really big boxful in the first 20 days of April and the lady I talked to reckons they will be able to do that and more every month.

I then had a lovely long talk about "North Yorkshire Contented Bee Project" and bought some amazing local honey - very few food miles, masses of taste and it'll help with my hayfever.

Earth Day Blog #2

My personal passions are aligned with the department I work within.
I wanted to share today an aligned post for Stress Awareness Month and Earth Day next week about eco-anxiety.

Eco-anxiety (or climate anxiety) is a feeling of distress that comes from thinking about environmental breakdown, based on what we see happening around us.

It is impossible to ignore the information we receive via news, social media etc. that our planet earth is in trouble. We hear information that the planet is warming up, freak weather conditions, wildlife species declining and becoming extinct, overpopulation, deforestation and the list heartbreakingly continues.
The effect our modern lives are having on the planet is now catching up with us and it is hard to ignore the information we are seeing. So much is now being documented via TV programmes such as Planet Earth and the The Earthshot Prize initiative.

I, myself, hold my hand up and admit I have feelings of sadness and guilt about the impact modern life is having on the planet. Every day I make a conscious effort to review my recycling, plant more native biodiverse plants, use less aerosol products, review the products used in my home to reduce the amount of microplastics and chemicals down the drain, say no to fast fashion, reduce my heating by 1 degree and have No Meat Mondays.

Despite all this I know I can do more. But where do I start and do my small actions help?

To all of you reading today...every small action helps.
As the famous saying goes ….Knowledge is power. I have learnt so much through the Green Champions about what else can be done, alternative products and, more importantly, there is a group of people who have the same passions and feel the same. The Wellbeing Programme and Mental Health First Aiders invaluable content during Stress Awareness Month assists me in navigating through eco-anxiety.

If I may pass on any nuggets of inspiration to you today, it is that you are not alone in any types of stress or anxiety felt. I assure you many people feel the same and change is possible and 100% can be achieved.

Fear of Climate Change
- Climate change and the state of nature is having an impact on mental health
- Watching the world change sometimes combines with feelings of personal guilt.
- Witnessing climate indifference may evoke feelings of anger, powerlessness and hopelessness.
Leading to being uncomfortable and overwhelmed
- Aligns with Stress Awareness Month and Earth Day
- Speak up and seek support. Take action — even the smallest contributions make a difference.
- Your feelings are a healthy response to this topic. Our MHFAs are 100% available to
talk to.
- You are not alone

Closing Thoughts

Eco-anxiety sounds very problematic. How can you live life with that much worry? It’s really not a healthy mindset to have. There’s loads of other issues in the world too. Does she spend all her time crying when she sees food due to child poverty which she has no control over? How many things does she do that are actually bad for the environment but is unaware of? Does she drive an electric car, thinking it is 100% eco friendly?

Employee Profiles: Michel

One of our colleagues is a very distinctive character. He seems to love meetings, and getting involved in stuff that doesn’t concern him; which makes people think he is just looking to get out of work. However, even though some of the words he uses sounds like he could be blagging, if you think/check what he is saying carefully, he actually is extremely knowledgeable.

He also loves telling stories and talking about his personal life. He loves all things Thailand, so does Thai Boxing, used to be married to a Thai woman, and still goes there on holiday. He loves talking about food, cars, dogs, nutrition, gym, will often start sentences with “ironically”, and will often end sentences with “you know what I mean?” which makes many out of context quotes sound amazing.

You know what I mean?

Joshua 16:55:
how many times does Michel say you know what I mean?
Me 16:56:
The ironic thing is, I know exactly what you mean

ironically, it’s all feathers in my cap, you know what I mean?
I don’t even know what that is, you know what I mean?
I ask them, “do you speak Thai?” and some of them don’t, ironically
people don’t realise I’m as good in the role as I am, you know what I mean
the irony of it is, is that I didn’t know my MOT had run out, you know what I mean?
your chest is a big muscle group, you know what I mean?
the irony of it all is that she has her two fingers strapped up and she is a lesbian
yesterday I got a takeaway for no other reason that I was a bit peckish
you’ve got to be insane to fight a top level Thai with hemp wraps, it is suicide
I knew if I’d have stayed at home, I would have just vegetated on the sofa, you know what I mean?
it’s a colour printer and it does 5000 sheets, do you understand what I mean?
the thing is with wireless; is that you don’t have to be stood next to it to print, you know what I mean?
have you ever eaten polystyrene?
imagine a 3 year old kid sat on your lower body while you are asleep
I had to stop two of my gangster mates abducting him and leaving him out on the moor
it’s got a public get but a private set because at the end of the day you don’t want it to change, you know what I mean?
my body responds different to carbs, you know what I mean?
I’m multiskilled, you know what I mean?
The new camera interests me a bit. Do you know what I mean?
you get 3 or 4 hours with him on the morning, because he goes home, you know what I mean?
There’s an unknown; do you know what I mean?
it wouldn’t just stop working; you know what I mean?
I never like to mix business with pleasure, do you understand what I mean?
my heart was in my mouth, do you know what I mean?
I flummoxed him, you know what I mean?
If I don’t go out, I don’t see anybody, you know what I mean?
there’s a reason why police use Alsatians , you know what I mean?
you can’t even drive around that corner at the speed limit. Actually you can, because I do it everyday. It wasn’t wet but it wasn’t dry, do you understand what I mean?

Michel about the old days:

it’s just how they were, you know what I mean?
at that time, it was just normal, you know what I mean?
in the 1960’s, no one gave a damn, you know what I mean?
there were no trains, no buses, you know what I mean

Walking Off

Andy:
Michel said something yesterday like "I asked Graham to explain it but he confused me so I just walked off"

Me:
Yesterday, Michel also said something like "I'm here to speak with Dave, but he is gonna blag my head with advanced computer science"
sounds like he went around speaking to people then walking off

Andy: Michel likes taking responsibility for everything. They could have just logged a ticket for IT to turn the computers back on. There were a few that powered off

“I had to drive all the way to the office and plug them all in. Took most of the morning”
Michel

Michel On Leadership:

When it comes to leadership, some people are really good at it, and others have to try
I didn’t get to my position by going out of my way to fix environments. I broke them and then fixed them, you know what I mean?
we all fall foul of an environment not being patched, you know what I mean?
I am subtle as a brick
delegate if you can
everyone is human, and we all mess up
Shall I tell you when to worry? when I am worried
I type so fast, I miss out entire words
as long as the output is correct, the process is up to the team: you know what I mean?

King of All Excuses: Part 3

I’ve written blogs about an employee which I referred to as Beavis, due to his grunt laugh. He is a complete liability and I don’t know why we didn’t sack him ages ago. His constant excuses why he cannot work are obvious lies. He came up with loads when we worked in the office but then when we started worked from home during lockdown, he had a whole new set to go through.

I understand some people can have some bad luck or them or their family members can have health issues, but is it possible for him to be hit with such frequent illnesses and issues?

Check out Part 1 and Part 2.

Here’s around 3 months of excuses.

Mobile phone has problems so can’t use authenticator to connect to VPN
Broadband is too slow
Needs to take his wife’s car for an MOT
Laptop broke
Antibiotics for his dog
Drove down to the village to see the extent of the floods
Optician appointment
Broadband not working
Cracked Laptop Screen
Oven repair
Daughter’s sports day
BT Broadband outage
BT Broadband outage again, and phone tethering won’t work either.
Builder is looking at some “snagging issues”
Throat glands have all swollen up and I’ve lost my voice
Emergency dentist work
Check up following dentist work. Will take an hour total travel, waiting, then dentist time. So at least 2 hours.

A colleague was saying that his line manager isn’t very active so therefore he can send him a message saying that he isn’t coming in, then Nigel won’t have replied to accept his request.

“he uses Nigel’s inability to reply to his advantage”

Isobel: "I have been in contact with Beavis who did the work but he has had to take the day off unexpectedly"
Andy: "is it actually unexpected at this point?"

Other People’s Excuses:

“randomly I’ve just got to move some bales of straw. back soon”

Zoe

(one of the top manager’s wife, so gets a bit of leeway to do what she wants):

cleaning dining table
having a shower
in garden having beers

Derek

(also notorious for slacking. I suspected the occasional lie from him too):

I’ll be working from home today, a leaky shower box is causing an unintended indoor water feature, so I’m hanging around for a plumber. Don’t forget to skype me for the stand-up 😉

I’m working from home today. Sorry I haven’t emailed sooner, I had some problems initially remoting in as my computer at work had a dicky fit.

AI Writes Woke Blogs

I’ve recently written about how my employer has been promoting “woke” issues and making out that we need to combat discrimination in the workplace even though it’s not a problem where we work.

Some colleagues have written blogs about struggles they have had in life based on various issues, be it gender, ADHD, Autism, Depression etc.

I was joking with a colleague about how it’s easy to claim you are discriminated against. I’ve written blogs about how I’ve been overlooked for promotions and pay-rises multiple times even though my peers have often considered me a high-performing individual. Sometimes I’ve considered how I can be shy and non-confrontational and don’t suck up to managers, so often put it down to that. I could easily see how someone in that situation could claim it is against their race, religion, gender or health status. You could also claim it to be about the way you look or how old you are.

My colleague also gets overlooked for promotions and has never reached the rank of Senior even though he is probably around 50 years old. He is incredibly tall, so he asked the AI to generate him a blog post. Then he tried from the opposite perspective, then as a “white person of colour”.

Here is what it came up with:

### A Day in the Life at Altitude: Reflections of a Person of Height

#### Morning Musings: The Highs and Lows

My mornings commence with what I’ve affectionately dubbed “The Great Duck,” a necessary dance with my environment to avoid the ever-threatening ceiling fan and the shower that seems to mock me with its disdain for elevation. This daily ritual, though humorous at times, is a vivid reminder of the mismatch between my height and the world’s standard measurements. It sets the tone for the day—a day where my stature both defines and challenges me in equal measure.

#### The Commuter’s Waltz: A Tall Order

Navigating public transport as a person of height is an exercise in humility and patience. With overhead straps laughingly out of reach and seats seemingly designed for a different species, my commute often feels like a puzzle where I don’t quite fit any of the pieces. Yet, there’s a certain grace to be found in this daily ballet, a reminder of the adaptability and resilience that have become second nature.

#### Workplace Woes: Above the Crowd

At work, my vertical advantage becomes a public commodity. While I’m all too aware of my ability to retrieve objects from lofty places, there’s an unspoken expectation that I should always be willing to do so. The truth is, the novelty of being the resident retriever wears thin, especially when it overshadows my professional contributions. And so, the search for a workspace where I’m not just seen as a tall figure but as a valued team member continues—a quest for a place where my height is incidental, not defining.

#### Lunchtime Lament: Seeking Common Ground

Lunchtime is no escape from the day’s taller challenges. The act of finding a seat where my knees aren’t pressed against the underside of a table is a daily trial. But it’s in these moments of shared struggle that I find unexpected camaraderie with others of similar stature. There’s comfort in mutual understanding, in knowing that you’re not alone in your lofty perspective.

#### An Evening Plea: A Shelf Too Far

As the day winds down and I venture into the supermarket, my height becomes a beacon for requests. “Could you just grab that from the top shelf?”—a question I hear all too often and one that I wish would cease. It’s not that I mind helping others; rather, it’s the assumption that I’m always available for such tasks that weighs heavily. I long for a shopping experience where I’m just another customer, navigating aisles without the added expectation of being a human ladder.

#### Reflections from Above: Life as a Towering Presence

This blog has become a sanctuary where I share the nuances of living as a person of height. It’s not just about the inconvenient light fixtures or the cramped seats; it’s about navigating a world that doesn’t quite fit. Each day is a lesson in adaptation, a testament to the human spirit’s capacity to find humor and grace in the face of constant reminders of difference.

Being tall is an integral part of who I am, but it’s not my defining feature. I am more than my ability to reach high places; I am a person with aspirations, thoughts, and feelings that soar even higher than my physical stature. And if there’s one wish I could have granted, it would be to navigate a day without the expectation to retrieve items from the unreachable realms of supermarket shelves. To those who see me in the aisles, know that I, too, am there to shop, not to extend my reach into the upper echelons of grocery goods.

In sharing these experiences, I hope to offer a glimpse into the life of a person of height, with all its trials and triumphs. It’s a journey of learning to stand tall, not just in stature but in spirit, embracing the view from above while staying grounded in the reality of everyday challenges

### A Day in the Life of a Vertically Challenged Person

Life from a different perspective can bring its own set of challenges and rewards. Being vertically challenged, or shorter than the average height, means navigating a world that seems designed for taller people. This blog explores a day in the life of someone who views the world from a lower vantage point but stands tall in spirit and resilience.

#### Morning Routine

The day begins with the usual morning scramble. For someone vertically challenged, this might involve a step stool strategically placed in the kitchen. Reaching for the top shelf where the cereal is stored or the cupboard for a favorite mug is the first small victory of the day. It’s a reminder that even the simple act of making breakfast requires a bit of ingenuity and adaptation.

#### Commute and Work

Next comes the commute. Public transportation can be a battleground, with overhead handrails just out of comfortable reach and crowds that seem to swallow you whole. Yet, there’s a certain skill in weaving through the masses, finding those small openings that taller people might overlook.

At work, the office environment poses its own challenges. The ergonomic design of desks and chairs often forgets those of us who can’t quite touch the ground with our feet or who need to adjust monitors lower to avoid neck strain. Yet, these challenges are met with personalized solutions, from footrests to keyboard risers, showcasing the creativity that comes from having to constantly adapt to a world not designed for your stature.

#### Social Interactions

Social interactions can be a mixed bag. There’s the inevitable moment when someone comments on your height, thinking it’s the first time you’ve heard that joke or observation. But there’s also the camaraderie found in meeting someone who shares your perspective, both literally and figuratively. Conversations often start with shared experiences of being vertically challenged but quickly move beyond height, to deeper connections and friendships.

#### Shopping and Errands

Shopping is an adventure, with clothes that seem to cater to a taller clientele and shelves stocked just beyond reach. But there’s a sense of achievement in finding that perfect outfit that fits just right, or the last item on the grocery list tucked away on a high shelf, secured with a bit of determination and perhaps a helpful fellow shopper.

#### Leisure and Self-care

Leisure time and self-care are tailored to suit personal comfort and accessibility. Exercise equipment is adjusted, and books and devices are positioned for easy access. It’s a time to stretch out, literally and figuratively, embracing hobbies and activities that bring joy and relaxation.

#### Reflections

As the day winds down, it’s a time for reflection. Being vertically challenged in a world built for the average height has its frustrations, but it also instills a sense of resilience, creativity, and a unique perspective on life. It’s a reminder that while we might not see eye to eye with everyone, we can stand tall in our own way, embracing the challenges and celebrating the victories, no matter how small they may seem.

### Conclusion

A day in the life of someone vertically challenged is filled with small adaptations, challenges overcome, and the constant reminder that perspective is everything. It’s a life viewed from a different angle, rich with experiences that remind us that it’s not the height that defines us, but how we choose to navigate the world around us

Navigating the Nuances: Mental Health in the Age of Wokeness

In today’s rapidly evolving cultural landscape, the conversation around identity, race, and mental health has never been more complex. As someone who identifies as a white person of color, the intersectionality of my identity often places me in a unique—and sometimes challenging—position, especially in the context of the current discourse on wokeness. This term, originally rooted in a genuine and necessary awareness of social injustices, has morphed in various ways, impacting many, including myself, in deeply personal ways.

### The Weight of Wokeness

The drive towards a more aware and inclusive society is something I wholeheartedly support. The ideals of equality, understanding, and respect are pillars that should underpin any progressive community. However, the journey towards these ideals is fraught with complexity and, at times, contradiction, particularly for those of us whose identities defy simple categorization.

As a white person of color, I find myself navigating a maze of expectations and assumptions. On one hand, my white heritage seems to place me in a position of privilege—a fair assumption in many societal contexts. On the other, my connection to a minority group imbues me with a personal understanding of racial challenges and injustices. This duality often makes me a target for criticism from all sides, with my identity being scrutinized and, at times, invalidated by those who view the world through a strictly binary lens of race and privilege.

### The Impact on Mental Health

The constant need to justify my identity and experiences takes a significant toll on my mental health. The feeling of not fully belonging to any one community, combined with the pressure to always say the “right” thing, is isolating. It fosters a sense of alienation and anxiety that shadows many of my social interactions. The fear of misspeaking, of inadvertently offending, or of not meeting someone else’s standards of “wokeness,” creates a pervasive sense of walking on eggshells.

This environment, where every word and action is heavily scrutinized, exacerbates feelings of anxiety and depression. The mental exhaustion of constantly navigating these social minefields, of trying to align with a set of ideals that sometimes seem at odds with the complexity of human identity, cannot be overstated.

### Seeking Balance and Understanding

Finding balance in this charged atmosphere is an ongoing process. It involves setting boundaries for engaging in discussions about race and identity, prioritizing self-care, and seeking out supportive communities that recognize and respect the complexity of individual experiences. It also means acknowledging my own feelings of confusion, frustration, and exhaustion as valid responses to a complex social dynamic.

One of the most significant steps towards mental wellness has been learning to embrace my unique perspective. Recognizing that my voice, informed by a diverse background, has value in conversations about race, identity, and social justice. It’s about finding strength in my nuanced understanding of these issues and using it to foster empathy and inclusivity.

### Moving Forward

As we navigate the complexities of identity and social awareness, it’s crucial to remember that the human experience is diverse and multifaceted. Embracing this diversity, with all its challenges and contradictions, is key to building a truly inclusive society. For those of us caught at the intersection of various identities, finding a way to voice our experiences without fear of judgment or backlash is essential for our mental health and for the broader conversation.

In the end, the goal should be to create a space where all voices are heard, where the complexity of human identity is acknowledged and celebrated, and where understanding and empathy prevail over divisiveness. As we strive towards this ideal, let us remember to approach each other with kindness and an open heart, recognizing the profound impact our words and actions have on the mental well-being of those around us.

Closing Thoughts

It’s crazy how good AI is at writing blogs. It seems to have the content and structure, sometimes coming up with good puns, and seems to perfectly emulate a victim mentality.

Neurodiversity In The Workplace: Part 2

Introduction

I recently wrote a blog about internal blogs and statements posted by my employer about Neurodiversity. Then I thought I’d collate a collection of stories of people doing bizarre things at work. No idea if people were actually “neurodiverse” but given the claim:

“Diversity is important for any organisation to develop, and understanding neurodiversity comes with huge benefits.”

I like to imagine an entire company where everyone behaves erratically. For the most part, I don’t think there would be benefits; it would be more like a comedy show.

These stories are about Daniel. I always loved the way his mind worked so I often asked him obscure questions. Often when I went on Stack Overflow for programming questions, I saw interesting questions in the Hot Network Questions, most of which were from the WorldBuilding one where people ask questions to help them write fictional stories.

Most of these are taken from chat logs with my colleagues but some were in person:

Doing Work

Jim: "Are you shopping right now?"
Daniel: "No, I'm looking at climate change solutions"

This feels like a nicer solution just for avoiding wanton suppression, don’t suppose it matters at all though
Daniel

haven’t got too much done to be honest, calm before the storm, pounce before the calm yet outwardly frenzied lasceration
Daniel

The Floorwalker Game Idea

Me 09:16: 
"If you’re having trouble accessing the system, please contact your floorwalker"
sounds like a quote from a Sci-Fi film
what the hell is a floorwalker?
Daniel 09:17: 
hey, i used to be a floorwalker, we're a proud race
Me 09:18: 
they should be in your game
then later on, you meet the mutated race Roofwalkers
you need a different strategy to take them down
Daniel 09:18: 
or vice versa
that's actually a really great idea, i'm having thoughts

Badmington Health & Safety Risk Assessment

Me 10:45: 
have you done a risk assessment for badmington?
Daniel 10:45: 
yep, the highest risk involves public humiliation
other risks include black hands from decaying rubber on the racket handle
net entanglement
Me 10:46: 
and damaged knees from sliding on the floor like an idiot
Daniel 10:46: 
direct impacts by shuttlecocks have been known to actually improve the recipient's health, so no worries there
I don't think anyones ever ended up on the floor before or since your session, so it can be marked as a non-coverable act of god or other deity

Jake Has Left Rumour

Me 08:58: 
I saw Jake on the bus this morning
Daniel 08:58: 
I saw him buying a rutabaga last thursday
Me 08:59: 
you said that he had gone
Daniel 09:00: 
perhaps I said that he was going?
or perhaps I was passing along snippets of unsubstantiated rumour
it's me - I am the office gossip! the one you'd least suspect

Bath On Mars

Me 15:18: 
can you take a bath on Mars?
Daniel 15:19: 
does sitting in a vat of gaseous nitrogen count?
Me 15:19: 
as long as it has cleaning properties
http://space.stackexchange.com/questions/17817/can-you-take-a-bath-on-mars 
Daniel 15:20: 
glad you've kept looking at that, I haven't for a while
and yeah, why wouldn't you be able to aside from all of the obstacles to getting a bath (which depending on your circumstances on earth can be just as much of an obstacle)
Me 15:21: 
yeah. His idea was wrong

Could a Halfling Warlock Ride a Pseudodragon?

Me 12:06: 
Could a Halfling Warlock Ride a Pseudodragon?
Daniel 12:07: 
Depends how pseudo it is, fat man in a dragon suit?
Me 12:07: 
http://rpg.stackexchange.com/questions/82821/could-a-halfling-warlock-ride-a-pseudodragon 
turns out its an Imp
actually, I think he is saying either a pseudodragon or an imp
he rides the dragon but the imp carries him
Daniel 12:15: 
simultaneously?
also... of all the questions!
Me 12:42: 
Andrew hates warlocks, so I specifically searched for warlocks and chose the best question
probably looted his treasure
Daniel 12:47: 
but they're shamanistic holymen who have cast off the shackles of material wealth!
Me 12:50: 
they still like going on quests
Daniel 12:58: 
true true, i uh they enjoy a good quest now and then

Would a full body diamond armor and sword guarantee survival and victory against a medieval battalion?

Me 15:55: 
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/questions/54324/would-a-full-body-diamond-armor-and-sword-guarantee-survival-and-victory-against seems that the answer is a massive NO 
Daniel 15:46: 
depends how you use it, just for goodness' sake don't wear it
Me 15:48: 
I think it would compliment my body type
Daniel 15:49: 
bipedal?
Daniel 15:53: 
again, I don't see why wearing it would be the sensible option here
Daniel 15:55: 
flail it around like a really blunt mace
from as far away as possible
Me 15:55: 
using armour as a weapon
Daniel 15:56: 
the best defense etc

How can I prevent the collapse of the Soviet Union?

Me 13:25: 
How can I prevent the collapse of the Soviet Union? 
Daniel 13:27: 
Hmm, give the people working dishwashers?

Animals with unsaved homework

Me 15:31: 
I used to get people at uni with ctrl+alt+backspace
it rebooted our linux pcs
Daniel 15:31: 
uh, awful
Me 15:32: 
then you leg it when you find they didn't save their files
Daniel 15:32: 
haha, we used to live like animals, animals with unsaved homework

Can Klingons swim?

Me 15:12: 
Can Klingons swim?
Daniel 15:13: 
that's a bit niche
their wrinkled heads take in water and upends them?
Me 15:13: 
I haven't seen much Star Trek, but I don't recall them finding lots of water
Daniel 15:14: 
make war, not swan dives
Me 15:14: 
so does anyone know if any of the races or crew can swim?
Daniel 15:14: 
it must have come up
over 4000 episodes
Me 15:14: 
that's actually a better question. If a Klingon goes swimming, does their skin flatten out instead of wrinkling
or do they wrinkle even more
Daniel 15:15: 
ha, well do you know why ours wrinkles?
the best theory is an evolutionary quirk to provide better grip when in damp conditions
Me 15:16: 
is it an unsolved mystery
Daniel 15:16: 
so their skin might turn into the texture of a suction cup
I might read the stopping time by speeding it up inside a bubble one... but they're a bit thin today

My high masquerade standards

Me 15:24: 
are you off to the Christmas party?
Daniel 15:24: 
not this year! helen's got other plans and damned if i'm going solo
Me 15:25: 
omg
Daniel 15:25: 
hang on, someone is calling for something work-related...
Me 15:25: 
women
Daniel 15:43: 
too right, besides it wouldn't meet my high masquerade standards
the last one i went to had a proper gladiatorial bouting arena, on high pedestals 
and sumo suits
and i made the mask myself
and did a backflip off a pedestal while in a fat suit wearing a mask
Me 15:50: 
ha

The Kidnap

“I know what it’s like to be dragged from the street and put in a dark room”
Daniel

he said you can buy it like an experience day. You drive fast cars, Daniel gets locked up

Sentient spider

Me  15:44:
How would a very large, sentient spider communicate?
Daniel 15:45:
in a language we don't understand

Programming Mould

Me 10:32:
“I know this will be heresy and probably scandalize the computer programmers reading it, but if you just have a couple tiny spots of mold on top of the jam, or on the jar above the jam, you can even completely remove the mold (generously - i.e. excise a little bit extra all around the moldy patch too), & the rest of the jam can be still good.”

Is there some obscure reference that I don't get?
Daniel 10:33:
Sometimes I don't even remove the mold, I just eat around it
Me  10:33:
If someone can decipher that, it would be you. What has mold got to do with programmers?
Daniel 10:33:
I'm guessing it's a metaphor
legacy code can have good bits

Bossom raises no eyebrows but your own

Me 16:41:
there is a contact on Workplace called "Annys Bossom"
Daniel 16:41:
that raises no eyebrows but your own~
Me 16:42:
but she doesn't exist in outlook
she cannot be real
Daniel 16:42:
oh flip, that's an outrage!
Me 16:42:
I think we have been hacked
Daniel 16:43:
hmm, it does sound like a security flaw, thankfully there's no real impetus for security nor anything useful to be gained
annys bossom has cleaved through the security
Me  16:44:
ha
Daniel 16:45:
i've tried searching for other likely breaches, but I can't be certain some of these aren't actual names
I will go home and ponder this anon
Me 16:46:
like Jim Cockburn?
Daniel 16:47:
like the port?
port never lies
once hugh jass shows up we're doomed - have an evening!

Why are Daniel’s standup updates different?

“yesterday I did some work, and today I presumably will do more”
Daniel

Story Pointing

We were “story pointing” our work, and had to score the size a “1,2,3,5,8,13”. Daniel chose “6” which isn’t valid. Matt asked him how he came up with it, and he said “I generated a random number and multiplied it by 8”.

Random Question

I was in the kitchen with Daniel, and Tracey walked in. Daniel turns to her and says “What was the name of the woman who discovered DNA?“

Your Feature Is Broken

Me 09:48: 
I don't think the Implied consent feature is working
Daniel 09:49: 
well, there's a decent chance it is, but I shall magnanimously hear you out (after my stand-up)

Neurodiversity In The Workplace: Part 1

Introduction

I recently wrote a blog about internal blogs and statements posted by my employer about Neurodiversity.

I thought I’d collate a collection of stories of people doing bizarre things at work. No idea if people were actually “neurodiverse” but given the claim:

“Diversity is important for any organisation to develop, and understanding neurodiversity comes with huge benefits.”

I like to imagine an entire company where everyone behaves erratically. For the most part, I don’t think there would be benefits; it would be more like a comedy show.

These stories are about several people but I will merge them under one name, Russell. Some of these are taken from chat logs with my colleagues:

Bitshift

Me:
fact from Russell: due to cosmic radiation, about once a month, you get a bitshift in your computer
Andrew 15:05:
i'm gonna knock him out

Mobile Phone

Russell purchased a cheap phone from China. I think it had a normal sim slot and he had a micro sim. He placed his sim card in there to try it out, then wanted to get it back out. He ended up slashing and poking at it with some scissors to get it out, eventually cutting off large bits of the plastic; basically trashed his new phone. Andrew told him that he could have gone to a phone shop and they would have got the sim card out for him. No idea what he was thinking.

In a similar cutting story…

Cutting Contactless

Me 11:39:
Russell has a contactless bank card, but he has cut it so the contactless won't work; says it is anti-fraud protection
Andrew 11:39:
you can just ask for that to be switched off at your bank. Idiot.
Me 11:40:
I was just gonna ask you if you can do that…or you can chop part of it with scissors
although surely you can't use it if you do that because won't staff refuse it because it's been tampered with
and I'd imagine cash machines won't like it either
Andrew 11:41:
it's just like the mobile phone situation again

Leaving Card

Me 09:56:
Matt said that Russell wrote a question in Steve's leaving card, asking him if he has an expansion for a computer game
Andrew 09:56:
LOL
Me  09:56:
didn't even sign his name, just a question

“That’s a cat’s paw I drew under my name in your card. Just to clear up the confusion” –
Russell to Phil

Playing Pool

Russell said to Matt “Do you fancy a game of pool in 30 seconds?”. Why not just ask to play right now, or not specify a time?

Car Park

We were having a department meeting about some upcoming redundancies. At the end, the manager asked if there are any questions. Russell speaks up

“when are the lines in the car park going to be repainted?”.

Everyone laughed and Russell was baffled. It wasn’t the time or the place to ask such a question.

Feeding the Birds

Russell once went to the reception desk to ask if he was allowed to feed the birds that were near the car park. Not sure why the receptionist was the authority on the matter, but I presume he was wondering if there was some kind of health and safety violation if he did so.

Computerise the Dental System

Russell is asking Matt about the Referrals code, and after 10 minutes, he reveals it is because he is going to the dentist but they are using a paper system, so he wants them to use a better system. I’d love to know if he actually spoke to the Dentist or the Receptionist to try and get requirements to design them a new computer system.

One day, the CEO came to visit and walked up to random people to ask them more about their job and what things are good/bad at the company.

Me 15:32:
Russell is talking to the CEO, this is gonna be good
Matt  15:33:
Oh god
He had to speak with Russell 
Please record it
Me  15:33:
I hope he asks about the car park
or about dental appointment bookings
Matt  15:33:
Ha ha ha
Me  15:34:
or about feeding birds
all high on the agenda
Jim told the CEO he had no idea if we were Team A or B
straight in there with his knowledge
looks like Russell kept it short and serious!
Matt  15:36:
Ha ha ha
Honestly - poor CEO does not know what he has let himself in for

Who are they?

Russell was the sort of person that was quite oblivious to others. There were well-known colleagues that had been there for years, and he would ask who they were. There was a surreal moment where he asked “do you know where Rob sits?” when Rob had been in our team for a few months and sat 2 desks away. I don’t get why he was confused. Rob wasn’t at his desk at the time, but that shouldn’t have made him go crazy.

“I breathed in a nut”
Russell

Real World Research Studies

Me 10:57:
Russell has just gone to a meeting called "Real World Research Studies"  
Andrew 10:57:
Is he joining us in the real world then? 🙂
Why weren't we invited?
Me 10:58:
dunno, he was dressed smart as well
Andrew  10:59:
How strange. Maybe it's a special project for the elite.

Timekeeping

We work 9-5, but allow people to work an hour later/earlier if they wish. I suppose we are more flexible on authorisation of your manager. Russell had some really strange working patterns.

Me 14:09:
Russell is here!
Melissa 14:09:
(chuckle)
Me 14:09:
he comes in when he wants
Melissa 14:10:
dont understand why you would work 2-10
bizarre shift
Me  14:10:
maybe he was raised by owls
Melissa 14:10:
hahahahaah
or bats
maybe he's batman
Me 14:11:
we have never seen them in the same place together, so it's a possibility


Me 15:27:
Russell has just turned up. What a legend!
Derek  15:33:
at 15:27?!
Me 15:33:
I hope he goes home at 4pm
Me 15:35:
I do wonder what he does throughout the day. Do you think he just woke up?
Derek 15:36:
I have absolutely no idea!
he's as crazy as a coconut that lad!
did you know he lives on a barge!?
Me 15:37:
he used to, I think he just rented it for a year or whatever
Derek 15:39:
ahhh - i wondered maybe he spent most of the day trying to get through the locks on the canal (rofl)


Me 15:06:
Russell is here!
Andrew 15:17:
he's just got in now?
Me  15:18:
Yeah

Me 13:53:
Russell didn't turn up to the pub for the meal, so Mel brought the meal back
it's still on the plate they served it on
Andrew 13:54:
Haha, did Russell order food but just not turn up?
Me 13:55:
yeah
Andrew 13:55:
what a pellet

Mispronunciations

have you heard how Russell says integer?
Me 14:29:
no
Andrew 14:32:
pronounces the 'g' as a hard G
like egg


Me  13:08: 
"we are opening and closing so many wuh-pf windows" 
Andrew 13:08: 
Russell ? 
Me  13:08: 
yeah 
loves pronouncing things different for the laugh 
Andrew 13:09: 
like when you only ever see something written down then embarrass yourself when first attempting to pronounce it in public 
he's got it for everything

Unprofessional Language

Me 12:11: 
Russell is doing a demo to a group of people. "It's the same sort of shizzle..."
Andrew 12:12: 
haha
he's an idiot
Me 12:12: 
I don't know who these people are, but using words like "Shizzle" is crazy
Andrew 12:12: 
ha are they external people?
Me 12:13: 
not sure. They are dressed quite casually. Some of our managers are there as well

The Stand Off

Another peculiar character, Jeremy just leaped out of his chair. This startled Russell, noticeably jumping in his chair. They then just stared at each other for a good 15 seconds.

Email Etiquette

Russell starts off an email with “Hi guys” then proceeds to justify his use of the word “guy” and opts to use the word “squadron” rather than “group”.

“Hi guys (I don’t think there are any girls in the particular squadron I worked with this week – please correct me if I’m wrong though):”

He can also sign off emails in style

“Have at it.“

At our office canteen, the canteen owner used to sell really random stuff in addition to meals. Some people suggested they were stolen goods which I thought could actually be possible. Russell seemed to feel inclined to purchase whatever he was selling. One day we got a mass email saying taht Russell had bought chocolates to share. Not because it was his birthday or anything like that, just that the canteen was selling Guitar Hero 5.

“I had to buy a tub of candy from the canteen because I felt bad that I couldn’t buy guitar hero off them due to the fact that I already own a copy of that particular title.”

Me  08:49:
Is that a contender for Quote Of The Week?
Andrew 08:50:
that is pretty good
Me  08:51:
how can you feel bad about already owning something someone is selling
you would be poor if that was your mentality when you walked into a shop

He also apologised for sending a mass email where he had a massive box of Maltesers chocolate that he wanted to share.

Me  15:16:
is Russell really sorry for sending an email about Maltesers?
it will just happen again and he won't have learnt his lesson
Andrew 15:17:
he's off his head him

The Blair Witch

Me  15:17:
did I show you that photo where he is just facing the wall
Andrew 15:17:
lol no
omg please send
Me  15:18:
it was like he was acting out scenes from the Blair Witch Project
when he noticed me, he just walked further down the stairs and did it again
Andrew 15:21:
send me the pic
Andrew 15:28:
LOL
have you shown josh?
Me  15:28:
can't remember if I did
Me  15:33:
has the photo freaked you out
Andrew 15:33:
it's amazing
what the hell goes through his head?
why are there so many weirdos here?

The Shoulder Roll

Russell demonstrated the difference between a forward-roll and a shoulder roll. We were on the second floor of the office and it caused a loud bang. I messaged Andy who was on the floor below:

Me 10:15:
"I always worry about shoulder-rolling just in case there's broken glass on the floor" - Russell
did you hear a banging sound a few minutes ago?
Andrew 10:15:
hahaha yeah
Me  10:15:
the bang was Russell giving a demo of the roll
Andrew 10:15:
what the hell is shoulder rolling?
it sounded more like a hammer
Me 10:16:
Instead of doing the classic forward roll which starts on your head, the shoulder roll is a faster roll leading with your shoulder
I'll get him to come down and give you a demo

In Waves

There was one time where the office was really quiet and all of a sudden, Russell shouted

“IN WAAAAAAAAAAAAVES”

He was listening to Trivium’s “In Waves”.

Sometimes you saw him air guitaring, or pounding his chest.

In a similar battle theme, he turned up to the office party with a “Viking horn” which he filled with alcohol to drink out of.

Leaving

Me 14:29:
did you know Russell is leaving?
Andrew 14:35:
Yeah, he can slap his belly somewhere else
Me  14:35:
and spin around with a grin on his face
Andrew 14:35:
ha spin around?
i've not seen that one
Me 14:36:
he did it today
Andrew 14:36:
how many rotations we talking?
Me  14:36:
I think he only did 2, but that's all you need
Andrew 14:41:
"Remember slapping yer belly as a kid?"
Me 14:42:
and bringing your viking horn to the party
Andrew 14:42:
and miming along to some unheard metal guitar solo
Me 14:43:
ha. He was air guitaring earlier

He later left to get a job in London. I’m sure he said it paid about the same as what he was getting here, but he had to travel an hour to get there. London wages should be significantly higher due to the higher cost of living. So leaving a relaxed job for longer travel time is a really strange decision indeed.