Employee Profiles: Michel

One of our colleagues is a very distinctive character. He seems to love meetings, and getting involved in stuff that doesn’t concern him; which makes people think he is just looking to get out of work. However, even though some of the words he uses sounds like he could be blagging, if you think/check what he is saying carefully, he actually is extremely knowledgeable.

He also loves telling stories and talking about his personal life. He loves all things Thailand, so does Thai Boxing, used to be married to a Thai woman, and still goes there on holiday. He loves talking about food, cars, dogs, nutrition, gym, will often start sentences with “ironically”, and will often end sentences with “you know what I mean?” which makes many out of context quotes sound amazing.

You know what I mean?

Joshua 16:55:
how many times does Michel say you know what I mean?
Me 16:56:
The ironic thing is, I know exactly what you mean

ironically, it’s all feathers in my cap, you know what I mean?
I don’t even know what that is, you know what I mean?
I ask them, “do you speak Thai?” and some of them don’t, ironically
people don’t realise I’m as good in the role as I am, you know what I mean
the irony of it is, is that I didn’t know my MOT had run out, you know what I mean?
your chest is a big muscle group, you know what I mean?
the irony of it all is that she has her two fingers strapped up and she is a lesbian
yesterday I got a takeaway for no other reason that I was a bit peckish
you’ve got to be insane to fight a top level Thai with hemp wraps, it is suicide
I knew if I’d have stayed at home, I would have just vegetated on the sofa, you know what I mean?
it’s a colour printer and it does 5000 sheets, do you understand what I mean?
the thing is with wireless; is that you don’t have to be stood next to it to print, you know what I mean?
have you ever eaten polystyrene?
imagine a 3 year old kid sat on your lower body while you are asleep
I had to stop two of my gangster mates abducting him and leaving him out on the moor
it’s got a public get but a private set because at the end of the day you don’t want it to change, you know what I mean?
my body responds different to carbs, you know what I mean?
I’m multiskilled, you know what I mean?
The new camera interests me a bit. Do you know what I mean?
you get 3 or 4 hours with him on the morning, because he goes home, you know what I mean?
There’s an unknown; do you know what I mean?
it wouldn’t just stop working; you know what I mean?
I never like to mix business with pleasure, do you understand what I mean?
my heart was in my mouth, do you know what I mean?
I flummoxed him, you know what I mean?
If I don’t go out, I don’t see anybody, you know what I mean?
there’s a reason why police use Alsatians , you know what I mean?
you can’t even drive around that corner at the speed limit. Actually you can, because I do it everyday. It wasn’t wet but it wasn’t dry, do you understand what I mean?

Michel about the old days:

it’s just how they were, you know what I mean?
at that time, it was just normal, you know what I mean?
in the 1960’s, no one gave a damn, you know what I mean?
there were no trains, no buses, you know what I mean

Walking Off

Andy:
Michel said something yesterday like "I asked Graham to explain it but he confused me so I just walked off"

Me:
Yesterday, Michel also said something like "I'm here to speak with Dave, but he is gonna blag my head with advanced computer science"
sounds like he went around speaking to people then walking off

Andy: Michel likes taking responsibility for everything. They could have just logged a ticket for IT to turn the computers back on. There were a few that powered off

“I had to drive all the way to the office and plug them all in. Took most of the morning”
Michel

Michel On Leadership:

When it comes to leadership, some people are really good at it, and others have to try
I didn’t get to my position by going out of my way to fix environments. I broke them and then fixed them, you know what I mean?
we all fall foul of an environment not being patched, you know what I mean?
I am subtle as a brick
delegate if you can
everyone is human, and we all mess up
Shall I tell you when to worry? when I am worried
I type so fast, I miss out entire words
as long as the output is correct, the process is up to the team: you know what I mean?

AI Writes Woke Blogs

I’ve recently written about how my employer has been promoting “woke” issues and making out that we need to combat discrimination in the workplace even though it’s not a problem where we work.

Some colleagues have written blogs about struggles they have had in life based on various issues, be it gender, ADHD, Autism, Depression etc.

I was joking with a colleague about how it’s easy to claim you are discriminated against. I’ve written blogs about how I’ve been overlooked for promotions and pay-rises multiple times even though my peers have often considered me a high-performing individual. Sometimes I’ve considered how I can be shy and non-confrontational and don’t suck up to managers, so often put it down to that. I could easily see how someone in that situation could claim it is against their race, religion, gender or health status. You could also claim it to be about the way you look or how old you are.

My colleague also gets overlooked for promotions and has never reached the rank of Senior even though he is probably around 50 years old. He is incredibly tall, so he asked the AI to generate him a blog post. Then he tried from the opposite perspective, then as a “white person of colour”.

Here is what it came up with:

### A Day in the Life at Altitude: Reflections of a Person of Height

#### Morning Musings: The Highs and Lows

My mornings commence with what I’ve affectionately dubbed “The Great Duck,” a necessary dance with my environment to avoid the ever-threatening ceiling fan and the shower that seems to mock me with its disdain for elevation. This daily ritual, though humorous at times, is a vivid reminder of the mismatch between my height and the world’s standard measurements. It sets the tone for the day—a day where my stature both defines and challenges me in equal measure.

#### The Commuter’s Waltz: A Tall Order

Navigating public transport as a person of height is an exercise in humility and patience. With overhead straps laughingly out of reach and seats seemingly designed for a different species, my commute often feels like a puzzle where I don’t quite fit any of the pieces. Yet, there’s a certain grace to be found in this daily ballet, a reminder of the adaptability and resilience that have become second nature.

#### Workplace Woes: Above the Crowd

At work, my vertical advantage becomes a public commodity. While I’m all too aware of my ability to retrieve objects from lofty places, there’s an unspoken expectation that I should always be willing to do so. The truth is, the novelty of being the resident retriever wears thin, especially when it overshadows my professional contributions. And so, the search for a workspace where I’m not just seen as a tall figure but as a valued team member continues—a quest for a place where my height is incidental, not defining.

#### Lunchtime Lament: Seeking Common Ground

Lunchtime is no escape from the day’s taller challenges. The act of finding a seat where my knees aren’t pressed against the underside of a table is a daily trial. But it’s in these moments of shared struggle that I find unexpected camaraderie with others of similar stature. There’s comfort in mutual understanding, in knowing that you’re not alone in your lofty perspective.

#### An Evening Plea: A Shelf Too Far

As the day winds down and I venture into the supermarket, my height becomes a beacon for requests. “Could you just grab that from the top shelf?”—a question I hear all too often and one that I wish would cease. It’s not that I mind helping others; rather, it’s the assumption that I’m always available for such tasks that weighs heavily. I long for a shopping experience where I’m just another customer, navigating aisles without the added expectation of being a human ladder.

#### Reflections from Above: Life as a Towering Presence

This blog has become a sanctuary where I share the nuances of living as a person of height. It’s not just about the inconvenient light fixtures or the cramped seats; it’s about navigating a world that doesn’t quite fit. Each day is a lesson in adaptation, a testament to the human spirit’s capacity to find humor and grace in the face of constant reminders of difference.

Being tall is an integral part of who I am, but it’s not my defining feature. I am more than my ability to reach high places; I am a person with aspirations, thoughts, and feelings that soar even higher than my physical stature. And if there’s one wish I could have granted, it would be to navigate a day without the expectation to retrieve items from the unreachable realms of supermarket shelves. To those who see me in the aisles, know that I, too, am there to shop, not to extend my reach into the upper echelons of grocery goods.

In sharing these experiences, I hope to offer a glimpse into the life of a person of height, with all its trials and triumphs. It’s a journey of learning to stand tall, not just in stature but in spirit, embracing the view from above while staying grounded in the reality of everyday challenges

### A Day in the Life of a Vertically Challenged Person

Life from a different perspective can bring its own set of challenges and rewards. Being vertically challenged, or shorter than the average height, means navigating a world that seems designed for taller people. This blog explores a day in the life of someone who views the world from a lower vantage point but stands tall in spirit and resilience.

#### Morning Routine

The day begins with the usual morning scramble. For someone vertically challenged, this might involve a step stool strategically placed in the kitchen. Reaching for the top shelf where the cereal is stored or the cupboard for a favorite mug is the first small victory of the day. It’s a reminder that even the simple act of making breakfast requires a bit of ingenuity and adaptation.

#### Commute and Work

Next comes the commute. Public transportation can be a battleground, with overhead handrails just out of comfortable reach and crowds that seem to swallow you whole. Yet, there’s a certain skill in weaving through the masses, finding those small openings that taller people might overlook.

At work, the office environment poses its own challenges. The ergonomic design of desks and chairs often forgets those of us who can’t quite touch the ground with our feet or who need to adjust monitors lower to avoid neck strain. Yet, these challenges are met with personalized solutions, from footrests to keyboard risers, showcasing the creativity that comes from having to constantly adapt to a world not designed for your stature.

#### Social Interactions

Social interactions can be a mixed bag. There’s the inevitable moment when someone comments on your height, thinking it’s the first time you’ve heard that joke or observation. But there’s also the camaraderie found in meeting someone who shares your perspective, both literally and figuratively. Conversations often start with shared experiences of being vertically challenged but quickly move beyond height, to deeper connections and friendships.

#### Shopping and Errands

Shopping is an adventure, with clothes that seem to cater to a taller clientele and shelves stocked just beyond reach. But there’s a sense of achievement in finding that perfect outfit that fits just right, or the last item on the grocery list tucked away on a high shelf, secured with a bit of determination and perhaps a helpful fellow shopper.

#### Leisure and Self-care

Leisure time and self-care are tailored to suit personal comfort and accessibility. Exercise equipment is adjusted, and books and devices are positioned for easy access. It’s a time to stretch out, literally and figuratively, embracing hobbies and activities that bring joy and relaxation.

#### Reflections

As the day winds down, it’s a time for reflection. Being vertically challenged in a world built for the average height has its frustrations, but it also instills a sense of resilience, creativity, and a unique perspective on life. It’s a reminder that while we might not see eye to eye with everyone, we can stand tall in our own way, embracing the challenges and celebrating the victories, no matter how small they may seem.

### Conclusion

A day in the life of someone vertically challenged is filled with small adaptations, challenges overcome, and the constant reminder that perspective is everything. It’s a life viewed from a different angle, rich with experiences that remind us that it’s not the height that defines us, but how we choose to navigate the world around us

Navigating the Nuances: Mental Health in the Age of Wokeness

In today’s rapidly evolving cultural landscape, the conversation around identity, race, and mental health has never been more complex. As someone who identifies as a white person of color, the intersectionality of my identity often places me in a unique—and sometimes challenging—position, especially in the context of the current discourse on wokeness. This term, originally rooted in a genuine and necessary awareness of social injustices, has morphed in various ways, impacting many, including myself, in deeply personal ways.

### The Weight of Wokeness

The drive towards a more aware and inclusive society is something I wholeheartedly support. The ideals of equality, understanding, and respect are pillars that should underpin any progressive community. However, the journey towards these ideals is fraught with complexity and, at times, contradiction, particularly for those of us whose identities defy simple categorization.

As a white person of color, I find myself navigating a maze of expectations and assumptions. On one hand, my white heritage seems to place me in a position of privilege—a fair assumption in many societal contexts. On the other, my connection to a minority group imbues me with a personal understanding of racial challenges and injustices. This duality often makes me a target for criticism from all sides, with my identity being scrutinized and, at times, invalidated by those who view the world through a strictly binary lens of race and privilege.

### The Impact on Mental Health

The constant need to justify my identity and experiences takes a significant toll on my mental health. The feeling of not fully belonging to any one community, combined with the pressure to always say the “right” thing, is isolating. It fosters a sense of alienation and anxiety that shadows many of my social interactions. The fear of misspeaking, of inadvertently offending, or of not meeting someone else’s standards of “wokeness,” creates a pervasive sense of walking on eggshells.

This environment, where every word and action is heavily scrutinized, exacerbates feelings of anxiety and depression. The mental exhaustion of constantly navigating these social minefields, of trying to align with a set of ideals that sometimes seem at odds with the complexity of human identity, cannot be overstated.

### Seeking Balance and Understanding

Finding balance in this charged atmosphere is an ongoing process. It involves setting boundaries for engaging in discussions about race and identity, prioritizing self-care, and seeking out supportive communities that recognize and respect the complexity of individual experiences. It also means acknowledging my own feelings of confusion, frustration, and exhaustion as valid responses to a complex social dynamic.

One of the most significant steps towards mental wellness has been learning to embrace my unique perspective. Recognizing that my voice, informed by a diverse background, has value in conversations about race, identity, and social justice. It’s about finding strength in my nuanced understanding of these issues and using it to foster empathy and inclusivity.

### Moving Forward

As we navigate the complexities of identity and social awareness, it’s crucial to remember that the human experience is diverse and multifaceted. Embracing this diversity, with all its challenges and contradictions, is key to building a truly inclusive society. For those of us caught at the intersection of various identities, finding a way to voice our experiences without fear of judgment or backlash is essential for our mental health and for the broader conversation.

In the end, the goal should be to create a space where all voices are heard, where the complexity of human identity is acknowledged and celebrated, and where understanding and empathy prevail over divisiveness. As we strive towards this ideal, let us remember to approach each other with kindness and an open heart, recognizing the profound impact our words and actions have on the mental well-being of those around us.

Closing Thoughts

It’s crazy how good AI is at writing blogs. It seems to have the content and structure, sometimes coming up with good puns, and seems to perfectly emulate a victim mentality.

Neurodiversity In The Workplace: Part 2

Introduction

I recently wrote a blog about internal blogs and statements posted by my employer about Neurodiversity. Then I thought I’d collate a collection of stories of people doing bizarre things at work. No idea if people were actually “neurodiverse” but given the claim:

“Diversity is important for any organisation to develop, and understanding neurodiversity comes with huge benefits.”

I like to imagine an entire company where everyone behaves erratically. For the most part, I don’t think there would be benefits; it would be more like a comedy show.

These stories are about Daniel. I always loved the way his mind worked so I often asked him obscure questions. Often when I went on Stack Overflow for programming questions, I saw interesting questions in the Hot Network Questions, most of which were from the WorldBuilding one where people ask questions to help them write fictional stories.

Most of these are taken from chat logs with my colleagues but some were in person:

Doing Work

Jim: "Are you shopping right now?"
Daniel: "No, I'm looking at climate change solutions"

This feels like a nicer solution just for avoiding wanton suppression, don’t suppose it matters at all though
Daniel

haven’t got too much done to be honest, calm before the storm, pounce before the calm yet outwardly frenzied lasceration
Daniel

The Floorwalker Game Idea

Me 09:16: 
"If you’re having trouble accessing the system, please contact your floorwalker"
sounds like a quote from a Sci-Fi film
what the hell is a floorwalker?
Daniel 09:17: 
hey, i used to be a floorwalker, we're a proud race
Me 09:18: 
they should be in your game
then later on, you meet the mutated race Roofwalkers
you need a different strategy to take them down
Daniel 09:18: 
or vice versa
that's actually a really great idea, i'm having thoughts

Badmington Health & Safety Risk Assessment

Me 10:45: 
have you done a risk assessment for badmington?
Daniel 10:45: 
yep, the highest risk involves public humiliation
other risks include black hands from decaying rubber on the racket handle
net entanglement
Me 10:46: 
and damaged knees from sliding on the floor like an idiot
Daniel 10:46: 
direct impacts by shuttlecocks have been known to actually improve the recipient's health, so no worries there
I don't think anyones ever ended up on the floor before or since your session, so it can be marked as a non-coverable act of god or other deity

Jake Has Left Rumour

Me 08:58: 
I saw Jake on the bus this morning
Daniel 08:58: 
I saw him buying a rutabaga last thursday
Me 08:59: 
you said that he had gone
Daniel 09:00: 
perhaps I said that he was going?
or perhaps I was passing along snippets of unsubstantiated rumour
it's me - I am the office gossip! the one you'd least suspect

Bath On Mars

Me 15:18: 
can you take a bath on Mars?
Daniel 15:19: 
does sitting in a vat of gaseous nitrogen count?
Me 15:19: 
as long as it has cleaning properties
http://space.stackexchange.com/questions/17817/can-you-take-a-bath-on-mars 
Daniel 15:20: 
glad you've kept looking at that, I haven't for a while
and yeah, why wouldn't you be able to aside from all of the obstacles to getting a bath (which depending on your circumstances on earth can be just as much of an obstacle)
Me 15:21: 
yeah. His idea was wrong

Could a Halfling Warlock Ride a Pseudodragon?

Me 12:06: 
Could a Halfling Warlock Ride a Pseudodragon?
Daniel 12:07: 
Depends how pseudo it is, fat man in a dragon suit?
Me 12:07: 
http://rpg.stackexchange.com/questions/82821/could-a-halfling-warlock-ride-a-pseudodragon 
turns out its an Imp
actually, I think he is saying either a pseudodragon or an imp
he rides the dragon but the imp carries him
Daniel 12:15: 
simultaneously?
also... of all the questions!
Me 12:42: 
Andrew hates warlocks, so I specifically searched for warlocks and chose the best question
probably looted his treasure
Daniel 12:47: 
but they're shamanistic holymen who have cast off the shackles of material wealth!
Me 12:50: 
they still like going on quests
Daniel 12:58: 
true true, i uh they enjoy a good quest now and then

Would a full body diamond armor and sword guarantee survival and victory against a medieval battalion?

Me 15:55: 
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/questions/54324/would-a-full-body-diamond-armor-and-sword-guarantee-survival-and-victory-against seems that the answer is a massive NO 
Daniel 15:46: 
depends how you use it, just for goodness' sake don't wear it
Me 15:48: 
I think it would compliment my body type
Daniel 15:49: 
bipedal?
Daniel 15:53: 
again, I don't see why wearing it would be the sensible option here
Daniel 15:55: 
flail it around like a really blunt mace
from as far away as possible
Me 15:55: 
using armour as a weapon
Daniel 15:56: 
the best defense etc

How can I prevent the collapse of the Soviet Union?

Me 13:25: 
How can I prevent the collapse of the Soviet Union? 
Daniel 13:27: 
Hmm, give the people working dishwashers?

Animals with unsaved homework

Me 15:31: 
I used to get people at uni with ctrl+alt+backspace
it rebooted our linux pcs
Daniel 15:31: 
uh, awful
Me 15:32: 
then you leg it when you find they didn't save their files
Daniel 15:32: 
haha, we used to live like animals, animals with unsaved homework

Can Klingons swim?

Me 15:12: 
Can Klingons swim?
Daniel 15:13: 
that's a bit niche
their wrinkled heads take in water and upends them?
Me 15:13: 
I haven't seen much Star Trek, but I don't recall them finding lots of water
Daniel 15:14: 
make war, not swan dives
Me 15:14: 
so does anyone know if any of the races or crew can swim?
Daniel 15:14: 
it must have come up
over 4000 episodes
Me 15:14: 
that's actually a better question. If a Klingon goes swimming, does their skin flatten out instead of wrinkling
or do they wrinkle even more
Daniel 15:15: 
ha, well do you know why ours wrinkles?
the best theory is an evolutionary quirk to provide better grip when in damp conditions
Me 15:16: 
is it an unsolved mystery
Daniel 15:16: 
so their skin might turn into the texture of a suction cup
I might read the stopping time by speeding it up inside a bubble one... but they're a bit thin today

My high masquerade standards

Me 15:24: 
are you off to the Christmas party?
Daniel 15:24: 
not this year! helen's got other plans and damned if i'm going solo
Me 15:25: 
omg
Daniel 15:25: 
hang on, someone is calling for something work-related...
Me 15:25: 
women
Daniel 15:43: 
too right, besides it wouldn't meet my high masquerade standards
the last one i went to had a proper gladiatorial bouting arena, on high pedestals 
and sumo suits
and i made the mask myself
and did a backflip off a pedestal while in a fat suit wearing a mask
Me 15:50: 
ha

The Kidnap

“I know what it’s like to be dragged from the street and put in a dark room”
Daniel

he said you can buy it like an experience day. You drive fast cars, Daniel gets locked up

Sentient spider

Me  15:44:
How would a very large, sentient spider communicate?
Daniel 15:45:
in a language we don't understand

Programming Mould

Me 10:32:
“I know this will be heresy and probably scandalize the computer programmers reading it, but if you just have a couple tiny spots of mold on top of the jam, or on the jar above the jam, you can even completely remove the mold (generously - i.e. excise a little bit extra all around the moldy patch too), & the rest of the jam can be still good.”

Is there some obscure reference that I don't get?
Daniel 10:33:
Sometimes I don't even remove the mold, I just eat around it
Me  10:33:
If someone can decipher that, it would be you. What has mold got to do with programmers?
Daniel 10:33:
I'm guessing it's a metaphor
legacy code can have good bits

Bossom raises no eyebrows but your own

Me 16:41:
there is a contact on Workplace called "Annys Bossom"
Daniel 16:41:
that raises no eyebrows but your own~
Me 16:42:
but she doesn't exist in outlook
she cannot be real
Daniel 16:42:
oh flip, that's an outrage!
Me 16:42:
I think we have been hacked
Daniel 16:43:
hmm, it does sound like a security flaw, thankfully there's no real impetus for security nor anything useful to be gained
annys bossom has cleaved through the security
Me  16:44:
ha
Daniel 16:45:
i've tried searching for other likely breaches, but I can't be certain some of these aren't actual names
I will go home and ponder this anon
Me 16:46:
like Jim Cockburn?
Daniel 16:47:
like the port?
port never lies
once hugh jass shows up we're doomed - have an evening!

Why are Daniel’s standup updates different?

“yesterday I did some work, and today I presumably will do more”
Daniel

Story Pointing

We were “story pointing” our work, and had to score the size a “1,2,3,5,8,13”. Daniel chose “6” which isn’t valid. Matt asked him how he came up with it, and he said “I generated a random number and multiplied it by 8”.

Random Question

I was in the kitchen with Daniel, and Tracey walked in. Daniel turns to her and says “What was the name of the woman who discovered DNA?“

Your Feature Is Broken

Me 09:48: 
I don't think the Implied consent feature is working
Daniel 09:49: 
well, there's a decent chance it is, but I shall magnanimously hear you out (after my stand-up)

Neurodiversity In The Workplace: Part 1

Introduction

I recently wrote a blog about internal blogs and statements posted by my employer about Neurodiversity.

I thought I’d collate a collection of stories of people doing bizarre things at work. No idea if people were actually “neurodiverse” but given the claim:

“Diversity is important for any organisation to develop, and understanding neurodiversity comes with huge benefits.”

I like to imagine an entire company where everyone behaves erratically. For the most part, I don’t think there would be benefits; it would be more like a comedy show.

These stories are about several people but I will merge them under one name, Russell. Some of these are taken from chat logs with my colleagues:

Bitshift

Me:
fact from Russell: due to cosmic radiation, about once a month, you get a bitshift in your computer
Andrew 15:05:
i'm gonna knock him out

Mobile Phone

Russell purchased a cheap phone from China. I think it had a normal sim slot and he had a micro sim. He placed his sim card in there to try it out, then wanted to get it back out. He ended up slashing and poking at it with some scissors to get it out, eventually cutting off large bits of the plastic; basically trashed his new phone. Andrew told him that he could have gone to a phone shop and they would have got the sim card out for him. No idea what he was thinking.

In a similar cutting story…

Cutting Contactless

Me 11:39:
Russell has a contactless bank card, but he has cut it so the contactless won't work; says it is anti-fraud protection
Andrew 11:39:
you can just ask for that to be switched off at your bank. Idiot.
Me 11:40:
I was just gonna ask you if you can do that…or you can chop part of it with scissors
although surely you can't use it if you do that because won't staff refuse it because it's been tampered with
and I'd imagine cash machines won't like it either
Andrew 11:41:
it's just like the mobile phone situation again

Leaving Card

Me 09:56:
Matt said that Russell wrote a question in Steve's leaving card, asking him if he has an expansion for a computer game
Andrew 09:56:
LOL
Me  09:56:
didn't even sign his name, just a question

“That’s a cat’s paw I drew under my name in your card. Just to clear up the confusion” –
Russell to Phil

Playing Pool

Russell said to Matt “Do you fancy a game of pool in 30 seconds?”. Why not just ask to play right now, or not specify a time?

Car Park

We were having a department meeting about some upcoming redundancies. At the end, the manager asked if there are any questions. Russell speaks up

“when are the lines in the car park going to be repainted?”.

Everyone laughed and Russell was baffled. It wasn’t the time or the place to ask such a question.

Feeding the Birds

Russell once went to the reception desk to ask if he was allowed to feed the birds that were near the car park. Not sure why the receptionist was the authority on the matter, but I presume he was wondering if there was some kind of health and safety violation if he did so.

Computerise the Dental System

Russell is asking Matt about the Referrals code, and after 10 minutes, he reveals it is because he is going to the dentist but they are using a paper system, so he wants them to use a better system. I’d love to know if he actually spoke to the Dentist or the Receptionist to try and get requirements to design them a new computer system.

One day, the CEO came to visit and walked up to random people to ask them more about their job and what things are good/bad at the company.

Me 15:32:
Russell is talking to the CEO, this is gonna be good
Matt  15:33:
Oh god
He had to speak with Russell 
Please record it
Me  15:33:
I hope he asks about the car park
or about dental appointment bookings
Matt  15:33:
Ha ha ha
Me  15:34:
or about feeding birds
all high on the agenda
Jim told the CEO he had no idea if we were Team A or B
straight in there with his knowledge
looks like Russell kept it short and serious!
Matt  15:36:
Ha ha ha
Honestly - poor CEO does not know what he has let himself in for

Who are they?

Russell was the sort of person that was quite oblivious to others. There were well-known colleagues that had been there for years, and he would ask who they were. There was a surreal moment where he asked “do you know where Rob sits?” when Rob had been in our team for a few months and sat 2 desks away. I don’t get why he was confused. Rob wasn’t at his desk at the time, but that shouldn’t have made him go crazy.

“I breathed in a nut”
Russell

Real World Research Studies

Me 10:57:
Russell has just gone to a meeting called "Real World Research Studies"  
Andrew 10:57:
Is he joining us in the real world then? 🙂
Why weren't we invited?
Me 10:58:
dunno, he was dressed smart as well
Andrew  10:59:
How strange. Maybe it's a special project for the elite.

Timekeeping

We work 9-5, but allow people to work an hour later/earlier if they wish. I suppose we are more flexible on authorisation of your manager. Russell had some really strange working patterns.

Me 14:09:
Russell is here!
Melissa 14:09:
(chuckle)
Me 14:09:
he comes in when he wants
Melissa 14:10:
dont understand why you would work 2-10
bizarre shift
Me  14:10:
maybe he was raised by owls
Melissa 14:10:
hahahahaah
or bats
maybe he's batman
Me 14:11:
we have never seen them in the same place together, so it's a possibility


Me 15:27:
Russell has just turned up. What a legend!
Derek  15:33:
at 15:27?!
Me 15:33:
I hope he goes home at 4pm
Me 15:35:
I do wonder what he does throughout the day. Do you think he just woke up?
Derek 15:36:
I have absolutely no idea!
he's as crazy as a coconut that lad!
did you know he lives on a barge!?
Me 15:37:
he used to, I think he just rented it for a year or whatever
Derek 15:39:
ahhh - i wondered maybe he spent most of the day trying to get through the locks on the canal (rofl)


Me 15:06:
Russell is here!
Andrew 15:17:
he's just got in now?
Me  15:18:
Yeah

Me 13:53:
Russell didn't turn up to the pub for the meal, so Mel brought the meal back
it's still on the plate they served it on
Andrew 13:54:
Haha, did Russell order food but just not turn up?
Me 13:55:
yeah
Andrew 13:55:
what a pellet

Mispronunciations

have you heard how Russell says integer?
Me 14:29:
no
Andrew 14:32:
pronounces the 'g' as a hard G
like egg


Me  13:08: 
"we are opening and closing so many wuh-pf windows" 
Andrew 13:08: 
Russell ? 
Me  13:08: 
yeah 
loves pronouncing things different for the laugh 
Andrew 13:09: 
like when you only ever see something written down then embarrass yourself when first attempting to pronounce it in public 
he's got it for everything

Unprofessional Language

Me 12:11: 
Russell is doing a demo to a group of people. "It's the same sort of shizzle..."
Andrew 12:12: 
haha
he's an idiot
Me 12:12: 
I don't know who these people are, but using words like "Shizzle" is crazy
Andrew 12:12: 
ha are they external people?
Me 12:13: 
not sure. They are dressed quite casually. Some of our managers are there as well

The Stand Off

Another peculiar character, Jeremy just leaped out of his chair. This startled Russell, noticeably jumping in his chair. They then just stared at each other for a good 15 seconds.

Email Etiquette

Russell starts off an email with “Hi guys” then proceeds to justify his use of the word “guy” and opts to use the word “squadron” rather than “group”.

“Hi guys (I don’t think there are any girls in the particular squadron I worked with this week – please correct me if I’m wrong though):”

He can also sign off emails in style

“Have at it.“

At our office canteen, the canteen owner used to sell really random stuff in addition to meals. Some people suggested they were stolen goods which I thought could actually be possible. Russell seemed to feel inclined to purchase whatever he was selling. One day we got a mass email saying taht Russell had bought chocolates to share. Not because it was his birthday or anything like that, just that the canteen was selling Guitar Hero 5.

“I had to buy a tub of candy from the canteen because I felt bad that I couldn’t buy guitar hero off them due to the fact that I already own a copy of that particular title.”

Me  08:49:
Is that a contender for Quote Of The Week?
Andrew 08:50:
that is pretty good
Me  08:51:
how can you feel bad about already owning something someone is selling
you would be poor if that was your mentality when you walked into a shop

He also apologised for sending a mass email where he had a massive box of Maltesers chocolate that he wanted to share.

Me  15:16:
is Russell really sorry for sending an email about Maltesers?
it will just happen again and he won't have learnt his lesson
Andrew 15:17:
he's off his head him

The Blair Witch

Me  15:17:
did I show you that photo where he is just facing the wall
Andrew 15:17:
lol no
omg please send
Me  15:18:
it was like he was acting out scenes from the Blair Witch Project
when he noticed me, he just walked further down the stairs and did it again
Andrew 15:21:
send me the pic
Andrew 15:28:
LOL
have you shown josh?
Me  15:28:
can't remember if I did
Me  15:33:
has the photo freaked you out
Andrew 15:33:
it's amazing
what the hell goes through his head?
why are there so many weirdos here?

The Shoulder Roll

Russell demonstrated the difference between a forward-roll and a shoulder roll. We were on the second floor of the office and it caused a loud bang. I messaged Andy who was on the floor below:

Me 10:15:
"I always worry about shoulder-rolling just in case there's broken glass on the floor" - Russell
did you hear a banging sound a few minutes ago?
Andrew 10:15:
hahaha yeah
Me  10:15:
the bang was Russell giving a demo of the roll
Andrew 10:15:
what the hell is shoulder rolling?
it sounded more like a hammer
Me 10:16:
Instead of doing the classic forward roll which starts on your head, the shoulder roll is a faster roll leading with your shoulder
I'll get him to come down and give you a demo

In Waves

There was one time where the office was really quiet and all of a sudden, Russell shouted

“IN WAAAAAAAAAAAAVES”

He was listening to Trivium’s “In Waves”.

Sometimes you saw him air guitaring, or pounding his chest.

In a similar battle theme, he turned up to the office party with a “Viking horn” which he filled with alcohol to drink out of.

Leaving

Me 14:29:
did you know Russell is leaving?
Andrew 14:35:
Yeah, he can slap his belly somewhere else
Me  14:35:
and spin around with a grin on his face
Andrew 14:35:
ha spin around?
i've not seen that one
Me 14:36:
he did it today
Andrew 14:36:
how many rotations we talking?
Me  14:36:
I think he only did 2, but that's all you need
Andrew 14:41:
"Remember slapping yer belly as a kid?"
Me 14:42:
and bringing your viking horn to the party
Andrew 14:42:
and miming along to some unheard metal guitar solo
Me 14:43:
ha. He was air guitaring earlier

He later left to get a job in London. I’m sure he said it paid about the same as what he was getting here, but he had to travel an hour to get there. London wages should be significantly higher due to the higher cost of living. So leaving a relaxed job for longer travel time is a really strange decision indeed.

Office Tales: Food

One thing we miss now that we work at home is the free treats people will bring in, and some interesting food thefts. Here is a collection of stories I found from old emails and chat conversations.

Suspicious Chocolates

I was once walking past the security desk, and the security guard was quizzing a guy that had turned up with a box of chocolates. When the security guard asked who the chocolates were for, he kept on saying “for the person in charge”. Yet he couldn’t specifically name someone, or explain why they would be receiving such a gift. I couldn’t guess what his aim was. Was he expecting to be let through to wander around the office on his own. I think the best he could have done is for the security guard to take the chocolates.

Office Treats

When people do bring in treats, it was always a good read when they tried to write a humorous email to declare it.

Hi all,

There is a selection of young Tobleronette in the upstairs kitchen freshly picked on the Swiss Alps this weekend.

It’s been a poor harvest this year due to bad weather (caused primarily by the blocking highs in the UK) so you might as well take this opportunity to savour some wholesome mountain produce.

Who knows when you may get the chance again.

Bon appetit

David

Canteen

We used to have a canteen that was announced to be closing due to cost cutting. However, it ended up being very temporary.

Farewell canteen and the awesome staff that knew us all by name, how cool is that? They provided caffeine infused productivity juice that was both hot, fresh and cheaper than anywhere else. Hello vending machine, with your cold touch and bags of mini-cheddars. 2016 has really sucked.

Sausages

This is a weird email to send, admittedly, but has someone taken my sausages out of the downstairs kitchen fridge? 

Thanks, 

Andy

This triggered some humorous replies with various sausage pictures

Stolen Milk

Me: There's a note on our kitchen door saying that "someone has been SEEN taking DI Team's milk"

Andy: hahaha

Me: not sure why they didn't reprimand the guilty culprit

it's like he was only partially seen so couldn't be identified. But all they know is that he was non-DI

Fruits

A few developers had dried up fruits on their desks, like a shrivelled orange. They claimed the office environment naturally dried the fruit rather than rotting it, then they kept it as an ornament. I wondered if they took the fruits home and still have them on their desks.

Missing Mugs

Someone has left a black flask/cup on my desk this morning which says “Looking after your world” and “Hot Stuff…” on it. 

If this is yours, please come claim it.

Morning,

If anyone has seen my ‘Slave’s mug’ mug please can you let me know? I left it in the upstairs kitchen with my teapot on Friday afternoon and it’s this morning it was gone.

I’ve had it 20 years and grown quite attached to it.

Thanks,

Kettle

Hi all

If you are filling the kettle please ensure you don’t dip the bottom of it in the bowl of water (perhaps emptying the water out of the washing up bowl first would be the way forward?). It will trip the electrics out (as has just happened) and water on the kettle base is potentially dangerous anyway.

Fí

Cafe2u

There used to be a van that came to the office to serve fresh coffee and snacks which was called Cafe2U. Someone mailed about it and typed U2. I made a great joke about it.

From: Me

Subject: FW: CafeU2

 

Like Coffee?

Like U2?

Check out Café U2. They have parked where the streets have no name.

 

Café U2 Promoter | Bono Enterprise

 



From: Gill

Subject: Cafe2u Yeadon
 

Cafeu2 are here. 

Gill |  Testing | Development

Ant Infestation

Me: Did you hear about the ant infestation caused by Chris? anyway, Mel said that Chris left a can of Red Bull in the office for a few days, and a horde of ants were around it, so they had to call pest control.

Andy: haha i’m sure we don’t call it pest control in england. yet again an americanism

Me: we call them Bug Bashers around here. Sam has spilled a drink behind his monitor and has left it. Mel is kicking off about it, fearing a new infestation.

Pig Balloon meeting

No idea what a pig balloon meeting is, but I love how passive aggressive this is.

I have made the executive decision, by reason of proximity to where these were left lying around unclaimed, to do something with the pop and dips left over from your pig balloon meeting.

I have put the pop (which is probably flat now) and the dips (BBQ – expire Sept 17) into the downstairs kitchen for people to take. If they are not used up/gone by Friday, they shall be binned. Please help yourselves.

Dorothy

The Phantom Bogey Wiper & Sub-human Antics

I was looking through my work emails, looking for some classic stories, and found the story of The Phantom Bogey Wiper.

From: Lee Davidson
Sent: 10 May 2010 14:42
To: Development
Subject: If you're the phantom bogie wiper please take note!!!
Importance: High

Apologies to everyone for my tone in this email but some filthy scummy piece of excrement who’s most likely one of our colleagues has been wiping bogies on the toilet walls. This isn’t something that happens by accident, the offending vile contemptible excuse for a human being must be making a conscious decision to offend others so I’ll not hold back in my show of disgust at this utterly pathetic person.

Whoever you are and you know who you are could you put a stop to it please?

Regards,

Dave.

From: Lee Davidson
Sent: 27 May 2012 10:26
To: Development
Subject: Toilet etiquette

Dear Colleague,

It is with great deal of regret I send this message but the sub-human antics of one or more of my male colleagues in confines of a toilet cubical have left me appalled and disgusted.

I can’t believe I’m typing this but could the person who is treating the toilet as their own personal cesspit please use the following etiquette.

·        Do not wipe your bogeys on the cubicle wall.
·        Do not spit chewed toilet paper on the toilet door.
·        And worse of all do not smear your excrement on the cubicle wall.

If you’re the person responsible then please remember you share this toilet with civilised human beings.

Best Regards,
David.
Lee Davidson

From: Richard Hirst
Sent: 29 March 2012 10:36
To: Keith Hanrahan; Me
Subject: FW: Toilet etiquette

Stay vigilant people… The toilet related incidents have been much better upstairs since Testing moved downstairs, any suspects?

From: Me
Sent: 29 March 2012 10:40
To: Keith Hanrahan; Richard Hirst
Subject: RE: Toilet etiquette

Ben always said he had poor hand-eye co-ordination. Maybe bum-hand co-ordination too

I can’t believe I wrote that in an email. I don’t think we had chat apps back then though. I shared it with a colleague:

Sadiq Khan: 
In this day and age, that's a ballsy email

Me  09:15
11 years ago :scream:

Sadiq Khan  09:16
Makes sense for that time

Me  09:17
back in the dark ages where we wiped poo on the walls

From: Scott Simpson
Sent: 27 August 2015 13:19
To: Development
Subject: Toilet etiquette

Apologies to all the female members but having to send the below out again!! Credits to Lee Davidson for the initial email 3 years ago.

I have added a slight addition after a harrowing experience yesterday!
·        Do not leave your excrement all over the toilet seat or around the bowl – It is NOT the cleaners job to clean after you!

Scott Simpson
Product Owner

From: Norman Taylor
Sent: 24 November 2015 10:16
To: Development
Subject: RE: Toilet etiquette

Apologies once again to all the female recipients of this email!

I’d just like to reiterate Scott’s point below as I’ve spotted a second sighting of this in the downstairs loos!  Not exactly what I wanted to see after my morning porridge!

Norman Taylor

From: Mike Dean
Sent: 24 November 2015 10:18
To: Norman Taylor
Subject: RE: Toilet etiquette

That’s probably nothing compared to the state of the left-hand cubicle toilet seat yesterday afternoon, mate!

I had to force the contents of my lunch back into my stomach!

June 2016

Me 16:40: 
The Phantom Bogey-Wiper has been hard at work. There's a right collection in the toilet cubicle wall 
surely, there's not many people who it could be, unless there's more than one Phantom

Mike Dean 16:42: 
the phaaaantom of the loo-pera is here
disgusting

Me 16:45: 
in fact, the original incident that you sent me was 10 May 2010  
so 6 years on, the Phantom is still at work

Mike Dean 16:47: 
wow
who could it be?
I've been here about 6 years, but I have an alibi

Me 16:48: 
if it's the same person, they must have worked in those 3 offices, must be male, and in Development
but there could be multiple phantoms

We never did solve the mystery. I did suspect it was multiple people but quite hard to accept people would behave in that manner.

Acting like computer game characters

Conner Mather

Conner pretends to be a NPC (Non Playable Character) from a computer game. His rigid walking and limited gestures and speech are hilarious. His content is mainly under 1 minute long to qualify as a Youtube short.

Kommander Karl

I recently discovered Kommander Karl. He mainly does gun reload videos. He pretends household objects are guns in first-person-shooter computer games, and reloads them, often with the help of some great video editing and fancy effects. Here are some of my favourites so far:

Gun

Ragdolls

Game Glitches

NPC

Office tour, but it’s an adventure game

Training

Cost

One of the software testers was saying that they have been asked if they are interested in participating in a C# Programming course, with the aim of gaining skills to possibly allow them to write automated tests.

My opinion is that a 3 day course probably isn’t going to teach them anything that a video course wouldn’t (such as LinkedIn Learning or Pluralsight which we have access to). Also, there’s plenty of free resources like Microsoft’s own websites.

I was shocked at how much the training courses cost:

Programming Foundations (3 days) – £2975.00
The C# Programming Language (4 days) £4425.00

Maybe these courses include some kind of mentoring (which give an advantage over online videos), but given we employ loads of developers, surely a couple of people would be willing to volunteer to run some sessions internally. It would be much cheaper as long as they can spare the time.

Earlier in the year, to transition to a different form of Agile development (SAFe), we were sending some Product Owners on a training course. But not all of them. The ones that were sent were expected to then train the others. Nice money saving tip there.

Agile Training

Even when you go on training courses, how much information do you even retain? We did hire a SAFe trainer to present to the entire department, giving a general overview, but it was about 3 hours long and I couldn’t focus because the content was boring.

A week later, I was discussing how we currently worked and wasn’t sure where some responsibilities lie.

Colleague: Why are the roles/responsibilities so blurred? Where are the clear definitions of who does what?
Me: If you turned up to the training and listened, then you would know...but I turned up and didn't listen

Another colleague said that the training apparently costs £900 for 1 person – and it was for everyone in the department. Crazy.

Compliance Training

Every year, we have to complete some basic training courses. It just involves reading pages of information, then completing a multiple choice test. We have so many of them that we basically do 1 or 2 per month. There’s often a few questionable questions that we end up having a laugh about.

Fire

“If you hear the fire alarm, wait a moment to see if it is just a test.”

That’s not the normal advice is it? I’m sure the previous training has always said that you should be told the exact time when a fire alarm test is going to be. Any other time you hear the alarm, then you leave the building promptly via the nearest fire escape. If you are supposed to wait, you may as well use that time to grab your belongings. How long is a “moment” anyway. It never stated how you verify it is a test.

Security

Natalia’s Instagram has been hacked. Should she change her password first, or tell her customers

Why haven’t the hackers changed her password already? If they haven’t, surely you need to do it before they do. It only takes a minute to change your password. Surely, that comes first, then you can tell your customers. The training said you should inform your customers first.

you don’t have to follow the same level of security for all of your accounts.

Is that even good advice? I mean, most people probably do it like that, but everything should be secure. If someone can gain access to one of your accounts, they may be able to use that to get extra information about you to help them hack into your other accounts.

It is okay to write passwords down, but not on post-it notes.

I’ll write them down in a book labelled “Passwords Do Not Read”. Seriously, what does that advice even mean? A good password is one you remember. But writing it down is probably better than not being able to get into your own account. Maybe that is the point but the course didn’t explain it well.

Me 14:57:
someone follows you into your workplace and asks you to hold the door as they have forgotten their access card. Should you stop and challenge them?
-to a fight
-Rock paper scissors
-to a quiz
-Pokemon duel
Paul 14:57:
LOL
Are they actual answers??
Me 14:57:
no, it was true or false

Work Environment/Health & Safety Training

Good posture requires you to keep your feet flat on the floor or on a footrest.

Don’t footrests make your feet at an angle?

I love doing training about good posture whilst leaning forward at an angle. I do find it hard to sit like the training implies. It seems unnatural to have everything perfectly straight. I tend to slouch and constantly change position throughout the day.

The air in your environment should not be uncomfortably dry – you shouldn’t find your eyes or nose drying out.

is that even a thing?

Welcome to this course on Display Screen Equipment (DSE).

“Take appropriate action to prevent ill health when using DSE”

Do we really need an abbreviation for that? Can’t it just be “monitors”. It makes it sound like we work with asbestos or some hazardous material.

“Your wrist and forearm must be supported when using a pointing device”

I’m trying to picture someone using a laser-pen with their wrist and forearm strapped to a plank of wood.

There was a section on different decibels of various environments. Libraries are apparently fairly noisy…

Me 16:20:
which is louder, a library or living room?
Andy 16:20:
libraries are notoriously quiet
Me 16:21:
have you done this Health and Safety training?
the library is louder. Even a wooded area is quieter
Andy 16:21:
this sounds rubbish
Me 16:21:
what happens if you have the TV on
or is that with the tv on
because it's a lot louder than a bedroom
Andy 16:22:
there aren't any of those areas at work
maybe a 'wooded area' at a push
Me 16:23:
did you know a conversation is louder than an office?
Andy 16:24:
haha shut up now
Me 16:25:
well, that's one way of reducing noise!

How can a conversation be louder than an office when offices contain several conversations? Is it comparing a face-to-face conversation vs a silent office?

Later on, there was a question about why water is bad for electricals. Since it is multiple choice, some of the answers are a bit silly.

Me 16:32:
Water can increase the power of the electricity and cause the equipment to work too fast.
Andy 16:32:
haha
Me 16:32:
I once overclocked a PC by spilling a drink on it
we should log a ticket - "build server is performing slow and needs to be watered"
Andy 16:34:
do you mind watering our build server while we're away on holiday and feeding the Load Balancer?

Bribery and Corruption

There were various scenarios and you have to state if it is a bribe or not…

“An offshore agent was dishing out bribes”

I think you have just given away the answer.

“We uncovered inappropriate payments…”

Sometimes I think these training courses have no effort put into them. It’s innappropriate, so I would say it is a bribe.

There was a question where it says something along the lines of: “Sean happens to have a relative who works for your company, and Sean is bidding for a contract. The company wants to accept Sean’s offer because he has put forward the best proposal. Is there anything wrong with this?” Options are:

Yes, Sean should not have sent the offer because it’s unprofessional
We will look conflicted if we do any future work.
Not at all, provided Sean has the skills that we’re looking for

I selected the last option, but I was wrong, it is the second option. An explanation was provided “recruiting people who are related to employees, clients or suppliers is not prohibited, but the appointments must always be made on merit and in line with company policy.”

Wait…I was correct then. It is fine to accept Sean’s offer.

Environment Training

This last answer made me laugh:

Why is it important for our Company to care about the environment?
A) To increase our productivity and cut costs
B) Because the environment is an invaluable source of resources that are necessary for our continued business
C) To take part in the latest management fad despite it having no real benefits

MANAGEMENT FAD.

AI picture generators: Part 2

I’ve been playing with one of those AI picture generators; stabilityai. I was trying to think of ideas that are a play on words, or scenarios that you wouldn’t imagine a character to do – similar ideas to what Jim’ll Paint It would do.

Check out part 1 here

It seems like it knows who Jabba is, but has decided to use it’s own interpretation. It’s like a dough ball monstrosity

Another Star Wars one. Looks like some rubbish Cosplayer

Again, it seems to know who Postman Pat is, but has gone for an abomination

If you blink a lot, maybe you should go see an optician

Greta Thunberg at the World Pool Championship. A random mashup.

An actual Jim’ll Paint It suggestion: https://www.facebook.com/JimllPaintIt/posts/pfbid02a2aLNTagnhotRKfyECsjzPgTnds1cmL4AtVjAiSe7GaxgP73XTjdc76K9yPgXrk2l

A random one my friend came up with. Ex-footballer Ian Wright

AI picture generators

I’ve been playing with one of those AI picture generators; stabilityai.

I was trying to think of ideas that are a play on words, or scenarios that you wouldn’t imagine a character to do – similar ideas to what Jim’ll Paint It would do.