Introduction

I recently wrote a blog about internal blogs and statements posted by my employer about Neurodiversity. Then I thought I’d collate a collection of stories of people doing bizarre things at work. No idea if people were actually “neurodiverse” but given the claim:

“Diversity is important for any organisation to develop, and understanding neurodiversity comes with huge benefits.”

I like to imagine an entire company where everyone behaves erratically. For the most part, I don’t think there would be benefits; it would be more like a comedy show.

These stories are about Daniel. I always loved the way his mind worked so I often asked him obscure questions. Often when I went on Stack Overflow for programming questions, I saw interesting questions in the Hot Network Questions, most of which were from the WorldBuilding one where people ask questions to help them write fictional stories.

Most of these are taken from chat logs with my colleagues but some were in person:

Doing Work

Jim: "Are you shopping right now?"
Daniel: "No, I'm looking at climate change solutions"

This feels like a nicer solution just for avoiding wanton suppression, don’t suppose it matters at all though

Daniel

haven’t got too much done to be honest, calm before the storm, pounce before the calm yet outwardly frenzied lasceration  

Daniel

The Floorwalker Game Idea

Me 09:16: 
"If you’re having trouble accessing the system, please contact your floorwalker"
sounds like a quote from a Sci-Fi film
what the hell is a floorwalker?
Daniel 09:17: 
hey, i used to be a floorwalker, we're a proud race
Me 09:18: 
they should be in your game
then later on, you meet the mutated race Roofwalkers
you need a different strategy to take them down
Daniel 09:18: 
or vice versa
that's actually a really great idea, i'm having thoughts

Badmington Health & Safety Risk Assessment

Me 10:45: 
have you done a risk assessment for badmington?
Daniel 10:45: 
yep, the highest risk involves public humiliation
other risks include black hands from decaying rubber on the racket handle
net entanglement
Me 10:46: 
and damaged knees from sliding on the floor like an idiot
Daniel 10:46: 
direct impacts by shuttlecocks have been known to actually improve the recipient's health, so no worries there
I don't think anyones ever ended up on the floor before or since your session, so it can be marked as a non-coverable act of god or other deity

Jake Has Left Rumour

Me 08:58: 
I saw Jake on the bus this morning
Daniel 08:58: 
I saw him buying a rutabaga last thursday
Me 08:59: 
you said that he had gone
Daniel 09:00: 
perhaps I said that he was going?
or perhaps I was passing along snippets of unsubstantiated rumour
it's me - I am the office gossip! the one you'd least suspect

Bath On Mars

Me 15:18: 
can you take a bath on Mars?
Daniel 15:19: 
does sitting in a vat of gaseous nitrogen count?
Me 15:19: 
as long as it has cleaning properties
http://space.stackexchange.com/questions/17817/can-you-take-a-bath-on-mars 
Daniel 15:20: 
glad you've kept looking at that, I haven't for a while
and yeah, why wouldn't you be able to aside from all of the obstacles to getting a bath (which depending on your circumstances on earth can be just as much of an obstacle)
Me 15:21: 
yeah. His idea was wrong 

Could a Halfling Warlock Ride a Pseudodragon?

Me 12:06: 
Could a Halfling Warlock Ride a Pseudodragon?
Daniel 12:07: 
Depends how pseudo it is, fat man in a dragon suit?
Me 12:07: 
http://rpg.stackexchange.com/questions/82821/could-a-halfling-warlock-ride-a-pseudodragon 
turns out its an Imp
actually, I think he is saying either a pseudodragon or an imp
he rides the dragon but the imp carries him
Daniel 12:15: 
simultaneously?
also... of all the questions!
Me 12:42: 
Andrew hates warlocks, so I specifically searched for warlocks and chose the best question
probably looted his treasure
Daniel 12:47: 
but they're shamanistic holymen who have cast off the shackles of material wealth!
Me 12:50: 
they still like going on quests
Daniel 12:58: 
true true, i uh they enjoy a good quest now and then

Would a full body diamond armor and sword guarantee survival and victory against a medieval battalion?

Me 15:55: 
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/questions/54324/would-a-full-body-diamond-armor-and-sword-guarantee-survival-and-victory-against seems that the answer is a massive NO 
Daniel 15:46: 
depends how you use it, just for goodness' sake don't wear it
Me 15:48: 
I think it would compliment my body type
Daniel 15:49: 
bipedal?
Daniel 15:53: 
again, I don't see why wearing it would be the sensible option here
Daniel 15:55: 
flail it around like a really blunt mace
from as far away as possible
Me 15:55: 
using armour as a weapon
Daniel 15:56: 
the best defense etc

How can I prevent the collapse of the Soviet Union?

Me 13:25: 
How can I prevent the collapse of the Soviet Union? 
Daniel 13:27: 
Hmm, give the people working dishwashers?

Animals with unsaved homework

Me 15:31: 
I used to get people at uni with ctrl+alt+backspace
it rebooted our linux pcs
Daniel 15:31: 
uh, awful
Me 15:32: 
then you leg it when you find they didn't save their files
Daniel 15:32: 
haha, we used to live like animals, animals with unsaved homework

Can Klingons swim?

Me 15:12: 
Can Klingons swim?
Daniel 15:13: 
that's a bit niche
their wrinkled heads take in water and upends them?
Me 15:13: 
I haven't seen much Star Trek, but I don't recall them finding lots of water
Daniel 15:14: 
make war, not swan dives
Me 15:14: 
so does anyone know if any of the races or crew can swim?
Daniel 15:14: 
it must have come up
over 4000 episodes
Me 15:14: 
that's actually a better question. If a Klingon goes swimming, does their skin flatten out instead of wrinkling
or do they wrinkle even more
Daniel 15:15: 
ha, well do you know why ours wrinkles?
the best theory is an evolutionary quirk to provide better grip when in damp conditions
Me 15:16: 
is it an unsolved mystery
Daniel 15:16: 
so their skin might turn into the texture of a suction cup
I might read the stopping time by speeding it up inside a bubble one... but they're a bit thin today 

My high masquerade standards

Me 15:24: 
are you off to the Christmas party?
Daniel 15:24: 
not this year! helen's got other plans and damned if i'm going solo
Me 15:25: 
omg
Daniel 15:25: 
hang on, someone is calling for something work-related...
Me 15:25: 
women
Daniel 15:43: 
too right, besides it wouldn't meet my high masquerade standards
the last one i went to had a proper gladiatorial bouting arena, on high pedestals 
and sumo suits
and i made the mask myself
and did a backflip off a pedestal while in a fat suit wearing a mask
Me 15:50: 
ha

The Kidnap

“I know what it’s like to be dragged from the street and put in a dark room”

Daniel 

he said you can buy it like an experience day. You drive fast cars, Daniel gets locked up

Sentient spider

Me  15:44:
How would a very large, sentient spider communicate?
Daniel 15:45:
in a language we don't understand

Programming Mould

Me 10:32:
“I know this will be heresy and probably scandalize the computer programmers reading it, but if you just have a couple tiny spots of mold on top of the jam, or on the jar above the jam, you can even completely remove the mold (generously - i.e. excise a little bit extra all around the moldy patch too), & the rest of the jam can be still good.”

Is there some obscure reference that I don't get?
Daniel 10:33:
Sometimes I don't even remove the mold, I just eat around it
Me  10:33:
If someone can decipher that, it would be you. What has mold got to do with programmers?
Daniel 10:33:
I'm guessing it's a metaphor
legacy code can have good bits

Bossom raises no eyebrows but your own

Me 16:41:
there is a contact on Workplace called "Annys Bossom"
Daniel 16:41:
that raises no eyebrows but your own~
Me 16:42:
but she doesn't exist in outlook
she cannot be real
Daniel 16:42:
oh flip, that's an outrage!
Me 16:42:
I think we have been hacked
Daniel 16:43:
hmm, it does sound like a security flaw, thankfully there's no real impetus for security nor anything useful to be gained
annys bossom has cleaved through the security
Me  16:44:
ha
Daniel 16:45:
i've tried searching for other likely breaches, but I can't be certain some of these aren't actual names
I will go home and ponder this anon
Me 16:46:
like Jim Cockburn?
Daniel 16:47:
like the port?
port never lies
once hugh jass shows up we're doomed - have an evening!

Why are Daniel’s standup updates different?

“yesterday I did some work, and today I presumably will do more”

Daniel

Story Pointing

We were “story pointing” our work, and had to score the size a “1,2,3,5,8,13”. Daniel chose “6” which isn’t valid. Matt asked him how he came up with it, and he said “I generated a random number and multiplied it by 8”.

Random Question

I was in the kitchen with Daniel, and Tracey walked in. Daniel turns to her and says “What was the name of the woman who discovered DNA?“

Your Feature Is Broken

Me 09:48: 
I don't think the Implied consent feature is working
Daniel 09:49: 
well, there's a decent chance it is, but I shall magnanimously hear you out (after my stand-up)

Introduction

I recently wrote a blog about internal blogs and statements posted by my employer about Neurodiversity.

I thought I’d collate a collection of stories of people doing bizarre things at work. No idea if people were actually “neurodiverse” but given the claim:

I like to imagine an entire company where everyone behaves erratically. For the most part, I don’t think there would be benefits; it would be more like a comedy show.

These stories are about several people but I will merge them under one name, Russell. Some of these are taken from chat logs with my colleagues:

Bitshift

Me:
fact from Russell: due to cosmic radiation, about once a month, you get a bitshift in your computer
Andrew 15:05:
i'm gonna knock him out

Mobile Phone

Russell purchased a cheap phone from China. I think it had a normal sim slot and he had a micro sim. He placed his sim card in there to try it out, then wanted to get it back out. He ended up slashing and poking at it with some scissors to get it out, eventually cutting off large bits of the plastic; basically trashed his new phone. Andrew told him that he could have gone to a phone shop and they would have got the sim card out for him. No idea what he was thinking.

In a similar cutting story…

Cutting Contactless

Me 11:39:
Russell has a contactless bank card, but he has cut it so the contactless won't work; says it is anti-fraud protection
Andrew 11:39:
you can just ask for that to be switched off at your bank. Idiot.
Me 11:40:
I was just gonna ask you if you can do that…or you can chop part of it with scissors
although surely you can't use it if you do that because won't staff refuse it because it's been tampered with
and I'd imagine cash machines won't like it either
Andrew 11:41:
it's just like the mobile phone situation again

Leaving Card

Me 09:56:
Matt said that Russell wrote a question in Steve's leaving card, asking him if he has an expansion for a computer game
Andrew 09:56:
LOL
Me  09:56:
didn't even sign his name, just a question

“That’s a cat’s paw I drew under my name in your card. Just to clear up the confusion” –

Russell to Phil

Playing Pool

Russell said to Matt “Do you fancy a game of pool in 30 seconds?”. Why not just ask to play right now, or not specify a time?

Car Park

We were having a department meeting about some upcoming redundancies. At the end, the manager asked if there are any questions. Russell speaks up

“when are the lines in the car park going to be repainted?”.

Everyone laughed and Russell was baffled. It wasn’t the time or the place to ask such a question.

Feeding the Birds

Russell once went to the reception desk to ask if he was allowed to feed the birds that were near the car park. Not sure why the receptionist was the authority on the matter, but I presume he was wondering if there was some kind of health and safety violation if he did so.

Computerise the Dental System

Russell is asking Matt about the Referrals code, and after 10 minutes, he reveals it is because he is going to the dentist but they are using a paper system, so he wants them to use a better system. I’d love to know if he actually spoke to the Dentist or the Receptionist to try and get requirements to design them a new computer system.

One day, the CEO came to visit and walked up to random people to ask them more about their job and what things are good/bad at the company.

Me 15:32:
Russell is talking to the CEO, this is gonna be good
Matt  15:33:
Oh god
He had to speak with Russell 
Please record it
Me  15:33:
I hope he asks about the car park
or about dental appointment bookings
Matt  15:33:
Ha ha ha
Me  15:34:
or about feeding birds
all high on the agenda
Jim told the CEO he had no idea if we were Team A or B
straight in there with his knowledge
looks like Russell kept it short and serious!
Matt  15:36:
Ha ha ha
Honestly - poor CEO does not know what he has let himself in for

Who are they?

Russell was the sort of person that was quite oblivious to others. There were well-known colleagues that had been there for years, and he would ask who they were. There was a surreal moment where he asked “do you know where Rob sits?” when Rob had been in our team for a few months and sat 2 desks away. I don’t get why he was confused. Rob wasn’t at his desk at the time, but that shouldn’t have made him go crazy.

Real World Research Studies

Me 10:57:
Russell has just gone to a meeting called "Real World Research Studies"  
Andrew 10:57:
Is he joining us in the real world then? 🙂
Why weren't we invited?
Me 10:58:
dunno, he was dressed smart as well
Andrew  10:59:
How strange. Maybe it's a special project for the elite.

Timekeeping

We work 9-5, but allow people to work an hour later/earlier if they wish. I suppose we are more flexible on authorisation of your manager. Russell had some really strange working patterns.

Me 14:09:
Russell is here!
Melissa 14:09:
(chuckle)
Me 14:09:
he comes in when he wants
Melissa 14:10:
dont understand why you would work 2-10
bizarre shift
Me  14:10:
maybe he was raised by owls
Melissa 14:10:
hahahahaah
or bats
maybe he's batman
Me 14:11:
we have never seen them in the same place together, so it's a possibility


Me 15:27:
Russell has just turned up. What a legend!
Derek  15:33:
at 15:27?!
Me 15:33:
I hope he goes home at 4pm
Me 15:35:
I do wonder what he does throughout the day. Do you think he just woke up?
Derek 15:36:
I have absolutely no idea!
he's as crazy as a coconut that lad!
did you know he lives on a barge!?
Me 15:37:
he used to, I think he just rented it for a year or whatever
Derek 15:39:
ahhh - i wondered maybe he spent most of the day trying to get through the locks on the canal (rofl)


Me 15:06:
Russell is here!
Andrew 15:17:
he's just got in now?
Me  15:18:
Yeah

Me 13:53:
Russell didn't turn up to the pub for the meal, so Mel brought the meal back
it's still on the plate they served it on
Andrew 13:54:
Haha, did Russell order food but just not turn up?
Me 13:55:
yeah
Andrew 13:55:
what a pellet

Mispronunciations

have you heard how Russell says integer?
Me 14:29:
no
Andrew 14:32:
pronounces the 'g' as a hard G
like egg


Me  13:08: 
"we are opening and closing so many wuh-pf windows" 
Andrew 13:08: 
Russell ? 
Me  13:08: 
yeah 
loves pronouncing things different for the laugh 
Andrew 13:09: 
like when you only ever see something written down then embarrass yourself when first attempting to pronounce it in public 
he's got it for everything 

Unprofessional Language

Me 12:11: 
Russell is doing a demo to a group of people. "It's the same sort of shizzle..."
Andrew 12:12: 
haha
he's an idiot
Me 12:12: 
I don't know who these people are, but using words like "Shizzle" is crazy
Andrew 12:12: 
ha are they external people?
Me 12:13: 
not sure. They are dressed quite casually. Some of our managers are there as well

The Stand Off

Another peculiar character, Jeremy just leaped out of his chair. This startled Russell, noticeably jumping in his chair. They then just stared at each other for a good 15 seconds.

Email Etiquette

Russell starts off an email with “Hi guys” then proceeds to justify his use of the word “guy” and opts to use the word “squadron” rather than “group”.

“Hi guys (I don’t think there are any girls in the particular squadron I worked with this week – please correct me if I’m wrong though):”

He can also sign off emails in style

“Have at it.“

At our office canteen, the canteen owner used to sell really random stuff in addition to meals. Some people suggested they were stolen goods which I thought could actually be possible. Russell seemed to feel inclined to purchase whatever he was selling. One day we got a mass email saying taht Russell had bought chocolates to share. Not because it was his birthday or anything like that, just that the canteen was selling Guitar Hero 5.

“I had to buy a tub of candy from the canteen because I felt bad that I couldn’t buy guitar hero off them due to the fact that I already own a copy of that particular title.”

Me  08:49:
Is that a contender for Quote Of The Week?
Andrew 08:50:
that is pretty good
Me  08:51:
how can you feel bad about already owning something someone is selling
you would be poor if that was your mentality when you walked into a shop

He also apologised for sending a mass email where he had a massive box of Maltesers chocolate that he wanted to share.

Me  15:16:
is Russell really sorry for sending an email about Maltesers?
it will just happen again and he won't have learnt his lesson
Andrew 15:17:
he's off his head him

The Blair Witch

Me  15:17:
did I show you that photo where he is just facing the wall
Andrew 15:17:
lol no
omg please send
Me  15:18:
it was like he was acting out scenes from the Blair Witch Project
when he noticed me, he just walked further down the stairs and did it again
Andrew 15:21:
send me the pic
Andrew 15:28:
LOL
have you shown josh?
Me  15:28:
can't remember if I did
Me  15:33:
has the photo freaked you out
Andrew 15:33:
it's amazing
what the hell goes through his head?
why are there so many weirdos here?

The Shoulder Roll

Russell demonstrated the difference between a forward-roll and a shoulder roll. We were on the second floor of the office and it caused a loud bang. I messaged Andy who was on the floor below:

Me 10:15:
"I always worry about shoulder-rolling just in case there's broken glass on the floor" - Russell
did you hear a banging sound a few minutes ago?
Andrew 10:15:
hahaha yeah
Me  10:15:
the bang was Russell giving a demo of the roll
Andrew 10:15:
what the hell is shoulder rolling?
it sounded more like a hammer
Me 10:16:
Instead of doing the classic forward roll which starts on your head, the shoulder roll is a faster roll leading with your shoulder
I'll get him to come down and give you a demo

In Waves

There was one time where the office was really quiet and all of a sudden, Russell shouted

“IN WAAAAAAAAAAAAVES”

He was listening to Trivium’s “In Waves”.

Sometimes you saw him air guitaring, or pounding his chest.

In a similar battle theme, he turned up to the office party with a “Viking horn” which he filled with alcohol to drink out of.

Leaving

Me 14:29:
did you know Russell is leaving?
Andrew 14:35:
Yeah, he can slap his belly somewhere else
Me  14:35:
and spin around with a grin on his face
Andrew 14:35:
ha spin around?
i've not seen that one
Me 14:36:
he did it today
Andrew 14:36:
how many rotations we talking?
Me  14:36:
I think he only did 2, but that's all you need
Andrew 14:41:
"Remember slapping yer belly as a kid?"
Me 14:42:
and bringing your viking horn to the party
Andrew 14:42:
and miming along to some unheard metal guitar solo
Me 14:43:
ha. He was air guitaring earlier

He later left to get a job in London. I’m sure he said it paid about the same as what he was getting here, but he had to travel an hour to get there. London wages should be significantly higher due to the higher cost of living. So leaving a relaxed job for longer travel time is a really strange decision indeed.