Introduction
I recently wrote a blog about internal blogs and statements posted by my employer about Neurodiversity. Then I thought I’d collate a collection of stories of people doing bizarre things at work. No idea if people were actually “neurodiverse” but given the claim:
“Diversity is important for any organisation to develop, and understanding neurodiversity comes with huge benefits.”
I like to imagine an entire company where everyone behaves erratically. For the most part, I don’t think there would be benefits; it would be more like a comedy show.
These stories are about Daniel. I always loved the way his mind worked so I often asked him obscure questions. Often when I went on Stack Overflow for programming questions, I saw interesting questions in the Hot Network Questions, most of which were from the WorldBuilding one where people ask questions to help them write fictional stories.
Most of these are taken from chat logs with my colleagues but some were in person:
Doing Work
Jim: "Are you shopping right now?"
Daniel: "No, I'm looking at climate change solutions"
This feels like a nicer solution just for avoiding wanton suppression, don’t suppose it matters at all though
Daniel
haven’t got too much done to be honest, calm before the storm, pounce before the calm yet outwardly frenzied lasceration
Daniel
The Floorwalker Game Idea
Me 09:16:
"If you’re having trouble accessing the system, please contact your floorwalker"
sounds like a quote from a Sci-Fi film
what the hell is a floorwalker?
Daniel 09:17:
hey, i used to be a floorwalker, we're a proud race
Me 09:18:
they should be in your game
then later on, you meet the mutated race Roofwalkers
you need a different strategy to take them down
Daniel 09:18:
or vice versa
that's actually a really great idea, i'm having thoughts
Badmington Health & Safety Risk Assessment
Me 10:45:
have you done a risk assessment for badmington?
Daniel 10:45:
yep, the highest risk involves public humiliation
other risks include black hands from decaying rubber on the racket handle
net entanglement
Me 10:46:
and damaged knees from sliding on the floor like an idiot
Daniel 10:46:
direct impacts by shuttlecocks have been known to actually improve the recipient's health, so no worries there
I don't think anyones ever ended up on the floor before or since your session, so it can be marked as a non-coverable act of god or other deity
Jake Has Left Rumour
Me 08:58:
I saw Jake on the bus this morning
Daniel 08:58:
I saw him buying a rutabaga last thursday
Me 08:59:
you said that he had gone
Daniel 09:00:
perhaps I said that he was going?
or perhaps I was passing along snippets of unsubstantiated rumour
it's me - I am the office gossip! the one you'd least suspect
Bath On Mars
Me 15:18:
can you take a bath on Mars?
Daniel 15:19:
does sitting in a vat of gaseous nitrogen count?
Me 15:19:
as long as it has cleaning properties
http://space.stackexchange.com/questions/17817/can-you-take-a-bath-on-mars
Daniel 15:20:
glad you've kept looking at that, I haven't for a while
and yeah, why wouldn't you be able to aside from all of the obstacles to getting a bath (which depending on your circumstances on earth can be just as much of an obstacle)
Me 15:21:
yeah. His idea was wrong
Could a Halfling Warlock Ride a Pseudodragon?
Me 12:06:
Could a Halfling Warlock Ride a Pseudodragon?
Daniel 12:07:
Depends how pseudo it is, fat man in a dragon suit?
Me 12:07:
http://rpg.stackexchange.com/questions/82821/could-a-halfling-warlock-ride-a-pseudodragon
turns out its an Imp
actually, I think he is saying either a pseudodragon or an imp
he rides the dragon but the imp carries him
Daniel 12:15:
simultaneously?
also... of all the questions!
Me 12:42:
Andrew hates warlocks, so I specifically searched for warlocks and chose the best question
probably looted his treasure
Daniel 12:47:
but they're shamanistic holymen who have cast off the shackles of material wealth!
Me 12:50:
they still like going on quests
Daniel 12:58:
true true, i uh they enjoy a good quest now and then
Would a full body diamond armor and sword guarantee survival and victory against a medieval battalion?
Me 15:55:
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/questions/54324/would-a-full-body-diamond-armor-and-sword-guarantee-survival-and-victory-against seems that the answer is a massive NO
Daniel 15:46:
depends how you use it, just for goodness' sake don't wear it
Me 15:48:
I think it would compliment my body type
Daniel 15:49:
bipedal?
Daniel 15:53:
again, I don't see why wearing it would be the sensible option here
Daniel 15:55:
flail it around like a really blunt mace
from as far away as possible
Me 15:55:
using armour as a weapon
Daniel 15:56:
the best defense etc
How can I prevent the collapse of the Soviet Union?
Me 13:25:
How can I prevent the collapse of the Soviet Union?
Daniel 13:27:
Hmm, give the people working dishwashers?
Animals with unsaved homework
Me 15:31:
I used to get people at uni with ctrl+alt+backspace
it rebooted our linux pcs
Daniel 15:31:
uh, awful
Me 15:32:
then you leg it when you find they didn't save their files
Daniel 15:32:
haha, we used to live like animals, animals with unsaved homework
Can Klingons swim?
Me 15:12:
Can Klingons swim?
Daniel 15:13:
that's a bit niche
their wrinkled heads take in water and upends them?
Me 15:13:
I haven't seen much Star Trek, but I don't recall them finding lots of water
Daniel 15:14:
make war, not swan dives
Me 15:14:
so does anyone know if any of the races or crew can swim?
Daniel 15:14:
it must have come up
over 4000 episodes
Me 15:14:
that's actually a better question. If a Klingon goes swimming, does their skin flatten out instead of wrinkling
or do they wrinkle even more
Daniel 15:15:
ha, well do you know why ours wrinkles?
the best theory is an evolutionary quirk to provide better grip when in damp conditions
Me 15:16:
is it an unsolved mystery
Daniel 15:16:
so their skin might turn into the texture of a suction cup
I might read the stopping time by speeding it up inside a bubble one... but they're a bit thin today
My high masquerade standards
Me 15:24:
are you off to the Christmas party?
Daniel 15:24:
not this year! helen's got other plans and damned if i'm going solo
Me 15:25:
omg
Daniel 15:25:
hang on, someone is calling for something work-related...
Me 15:25:
women
Daniel 15:43:
too right, besides it wouldn't meet my high masquerade standards
the last one i went to had a proper gladiatorial bouting arena, on high pedestals
and sumo suits
and i made the mask myself
and did a backflip off a pedestal while in a fat suit wearing a mask
Me 15:50:
ha
The Kidnap
“I know what it’s like to be dragged from the street and put in a dark room”
Daniel
he said you can buy it like an experience day. You drive fast cars, Daniel gets locked up
Sentient spider
Me 15:44:
How would a very large, sentient spider communicate?
Daniel 15:45:
in a language we don't understand
Programming Mould
Me 10:32:
“I know this will be heresy and probably scandalize the computer programmers reading it, but if you just have a couple tiny spots of mold on top of the jam, or on the jar above the jam, you can even completely remove the mold (generously - i.e. excise a little bit extra all around the moldy patch too), & the rest of the jam can be still good.”
Is there some obscure reference that I don't get?
Daniel 10:33:
Sometimes I don't even remove the mold, I just eat around it
Me 10:33:
If someone can decipher that, it would be you. What has mold got to do with programmers?
Daniel 10:33:
I'm guessing it's a metaphor
legacy code can have good bits
Bossom raises no eyebrows but your own
Me 16:41:
there is a contact on Workplace called "Annys Bossom"
Daniel 16:41:
that raises no eyebrows but your own~
Me 16:42:
but she doesn't exist in outlook
she cannot be real
Daniel 16:42:
oh flip, that's an outrage!
Me 16:42:
I think we have been hacked
Daniel 16:43:
hmm, it does sound like a security flaw, thankfully there's no real impetus for security nor anything useful to be gained
annys bossom has cleaved through the security
Me 16:44:
ha
Daniel 16:45:
i've tried searching for other likely breaches, but I can't be certain some of these aren't actual names
I will go home and ponder this anon
Me 16:46:
like Jim Cockburn?
Daniel 16:47:
like the port?
port never lies
once hugh jass shows up we're doomed - have an evening!
Why are Daniel’s standup updates different?
“yesterday I did some work, and today I presumably will do more”
Daniel
Story Pointing
We were “story pointing” our work, and had to score the size a “1,2,3,5,8,13”. Daniel chose “6” which isn’t valid. Matt asked him how he came up with it, and he said “I generated a random number and multiplied it by 8”.
Random Question
I was in the kitchen with Daniel, and Tracey walked in. Daniel turns to her and says “What was the name of the woman who discovered DNA?“
Your Feature Is Broken
Me 09:48: I don't think the Implied consent feature is working Daniel 09:49: well, there's a decent chance it is, but I shall magnanimously hear you out (after my stand-up)
Stranger Coding Tings 